Hi everybody. Wouldzee the owl here and I want to talk about wrapping things up. I don’t mean the kind of wrapping up like when you get shot in the tentacle and its gushing blood and John says, “You really ought to wrap that up or you’ll probably bleed to death.” I mean like wrapping up all of our great adventures into what is bound to be a weak and disappointing final entry in my journal.
Anyhoo, those robots are total douche-nozzles. So we go to all this trouble to make sure they can fire their giant laser gun at the comet that is going to destroy the earth and we fight a whole bunch of people and monsters and zombies and pig-man bikers and bat-shit crazy knights of genetic purity and we soak up enough radiation to make me think I’ve spent at least two hours in a tanning bed and I am sure I’ll never regrow all of my feathers and if I have any kids I’ll be lucky if they have only two heads, although having two heads might be kind of neat – that is if the other head was cool, if it wasn’t it would really suck – oh yeah, those robot douchebags… So we go through all this stuff and then they fire only a couple of the lasers and we’re all like, “What’s going on? Only a couple lasers are firing. Do we need to go kick someone’s butt?” And they’re all like, “No, it’s cool.” And we’re like, “Technically it’ll be cool because we’ll likely experience a major ice age after the impact with all the dust is in the atmosphere, but we really think blasting that comet is important.” And they’re like, “Don’t worry about it.” And finally John sciences it out and figures out that they are directing the comet to crash into another part of the world! So we’re totally freaking out now and decide we totally have to stop these guys.
So General Wilson, who you’ll remember is the robot guy who makes all these pronouncements for the AI and gave us the mission to make sure the lasers would fire, is in Prairie Dog Town and that’s miles and miles away and we’ve crashed the flying car we used to have and we’re not sure what to do to get to there, when I say to myself, “Wouldzee, those railroad tracks lead right to Prairie Dog Town and there’s this big train pulling cars of diesel fuel idling right in front of you and John can surely figure out how to drive it and I still have some matches in case we should just blow it up instead…” So we totally hop on the train and John is trying to figure out how to run it and Sally is giggling and tells him to push some buttons and then giggles some more and then she releases the brake and tells me to keep my beak shut and I totally do, because it is really fun to pull one over on John. So Sally secretly drives the train, but she makes John think he is really driving it and as we pull away, a bunch of robots climb on the fuel cars and start shooting at us.
Well, we’re not having any of that and we start blasting away at the robots, but they are crawling along the sides of the cars and getting closer and stuff and we’re still pretty beat up from our last fight, so Sally starts hacking at the coupling hitch and eventually we get the tanker cars released and John waits like 30 seconds and blasts them with his plasma rifle and they totally went KA-BOOM and flaming robot parts were flying everywhere and some of my feathers got singed and Beyoh was burning and yelling at John to use his fire extinguisher, but it was totally awesome!
Anyhoo, we went chugging down the track and we came to that village of coyotes and Sally took a couple of potshots at them and I am not exactly sure what is going on with her and those guys, but we all figured we’d better stay out of her way since she was still coming down from her last psycho bender and you do not want to mess with her when she gets in one of her moods. John thought we’d better get in touch with that Colonel Forbin guy to meet us at Prairie Dog Town with reinforcements, and healing potions and Sally wanted some more psycho since she only had a dozen hits left. Colonel Forbin said he could never get his army to Prairie Dog Town in time, but he sent some guys to meet us with some healing potions and more psycho for Sally and some Rad-Away since we’d been chugging through a radioactive desert and we were all throwing up a lot.
Oh, and I forgot to mention Bearclap, you remember that biker guy that gave us a hard time early on, called and was all worried that the robots were enslaving all his customers and he wasn’t selling enough drugs or something and I was thinking that he probably couldn’t keep up with Sally’s demand even if he started a third shift at his crack house. And I guess that he found Buddy, that robot guy who used to tell all those jokes I didn’t understand, and now Buddy is working for him and that’s probably not going to turn out well because a couple of people died the last time they took the psycho that Buddy made… But, Bearclap said he was driving over to Prairie Dog Town to see what he could do to break his customers out and we’re like, “Great idea and I really hope you don’t get shot by one of us during the battle because it’d totally be an accident!”
So we got to Prairie Dog Town and we look it over and we see there is a fight going on in the streets and it looks like the lizard guys have switched sides and the prisoners are revolting and I think some of our friends from Liberty are down there and Sally is starting to shoot up and then she rams the throttle to full speed and we jump out of the train before it crashes into the gates of the town and it explodes and was so frickin’ awesome, but it killed some of the good guys and that made me a little sad. Anyhoo, we went charging into Prairie Dog Town and we’re all blasting anything that looks at us cross-eyed and we finally hack our way to this little fort in the middle of the town and John scienced out the fact that General Wilson had to be inside and he started shooting down the guard towers with his plasma gun, while Beyoh and I tried to sneak in and Sally was just hacking her way through the gate and buildings and stuff. I ended up screwing around looking through a building for a long time so I am not exactly sure what the other guys were up to, but I could hear Sally screaming a lot, so that was reassuring. Finally, I came out and we had this big fight with General Wilson and he was shooting lasers out of his head and that really sucked, but we eventually beat him down and he surrendered and told us the story.
So these robot guys are not the only robot guys in the world. There is this other AI computer guy on the other side of the planet, John said it was even farther away than Canada, and apparently the AI General Wilson works for wanted to kill the other one for some reason and was going to drop the comet on top of him to do it. What a dick! So we convinced General Wilson’s boss that this was a bad idea by telling him we’d totally come and unplug his ass if he kept it up. Then he whines that he doesn’t have enough lasers to destroy the comet and he is pissing and moaning about having to work with the other AI to save the earth and stuff, but he finally gives in and ZAP they totally blow it up.
Anyhoo, thanks to us the earth is totally safe. Or at least it is safe until some other maniac decides to start a new reign of terror. I’m sure it’ll be a month or two before anything like that happens though…
This is Wouldzee the Owl signing off!
Hi everybody! Wouldzee the Owl here. Did you ever have a lot to do at work and then go on vacation and then come back from work and have even more work to do because nobody did any of your stuff while you were gone and even when you brought a computer and tried to catch up on e-mail you still felt super swamped and it was almost more work to go on vacation than to just stay home and work because you had to make up all that extra work that didn’t get done and then you really didn’t feel like updating your blog because like three people read it and you are pretty sure there are more people in your gaming group than that even? Yeah… Never happens to me either…
Anyhoo, we’ve done so much stuff in the past couple of days that I am having trouble remembering it all. It’s like it’s taken over a month or something to do all this stuff and it’s super hard to remember all the details now.
Gramps has missed the last three games. I think Fridge made it to one of them. Bayou missed last week.
The GM’s son joined us last week. Poser Nutjob is a mutated goat with flaming horns and wings. It’s no wonder people think RPGs are affiliated with Satan…
So we drove our hover tank back to the Yew and didn’t kill any Coyotes on the way and we somehow found Sally and John had her read the Helping Friendly Book to him while he drove and it was cool, but it kind of went on and on and on about a lot of stuff and I am not sure I remember anything important from it other than it talked a bit about how the world got all blowed up and stuff and some of the history of the place we were in and it kind of contradicted all the stuff my Dad told me, when I was a fledgling, about people getting mad at the Canadians because they kept calling ham, bacon and it really wasn’t bacon, because bacon was a lot better and I’d better shut up and eat my mouse and be thankful for it… Or something like that…
Anyhow, we got back to the Yew and we called up Dr. Arrow and she wasn’t happy to hear from us, but Sally convinced her to come out to see us and she fixed up all our broken stuff and enhanced John’s Quantum Bazooka to do even more weird stuff. Then we got someone to kind of fix the tank so we could fire the gun and Sally figured out how to do that, but couldn’t figure out how to drive it or nothing and then we waited for the robots to attack. So they attacked and we blasted a few of them and then I noticed that they weren’t really combat robots and suddenly these drop ships flew over us and they dropped a nuke on the Lab Rats building and I was totally like, “Good thing you came out to help us Dr. Arrow or you’d totally be glowing now,” but she wasn’t nearby and it is probably not polite to gloat so we drove our tank over to the Lab Rats building and started blasting while all these drop ships landed and were setting up equipment and stuff. Finally, our tank got sunk and we lost Sally for a while because she was swimming around underwater attacking robots and John and Beyoh and I were flying around shooting them and stuff.
Eventually, Sally ran into this team or six Seals and they told us they were going into the Lab Rats compound to try and get those robots out and we thought it’d be a good idea to help them out and maybe look for some better guns in the ruins of their complex and Sally had seen the robots trying to attach some cables to the reactor that the Lab Rats have under the lake and so we took the elevator down and had to blast our way through a ton of robots. Anyhoo, the robots eventually called for a cease fire with us and tried to explain what they were doing and apparently this giant snowball in outer space is going to crash into the earth and essentially destroy it all and they are building this big ray gun to blast it out of the sky. I’m totally thinking this is a line of BS, but John takes all their papers and does some science and he’s like “this is legit” and so the robots are actually trying to be good, but just going about it in a totally dick way.
So the robots and people from the Yew call a cease fire and then the robots tell us that they want us to go and talk to Colonel Forbin, who is that robot guy who left a bunch of weapons in an underground bunker under the Yew and had that talking bird and was going to “rescue” us way after the time we needed his help. Turns out that Forbin is not too far away and he is squatting on one of the locations that the robots need to build their giant ray gun and they send us up there to talk to them. So we fly up there and Colonel Forbin was willing to talk with us since we had his talking bird and stuff and he totally didn’t believe that the world was going to end, but Sally did an interpretive dance of the end of the world and if he wasn’t a robot I am sure he would have been crying and he got one of his science guys to talk to John and look over the calculations and stuff and he was totally on board with helping us out as long as he could blast the robots as soon as they’d saved the earth and we were all ok with that too.
Anyhoo, Colonel Forbin and his army left and then the robots came and starting building their ray gun and then the chief robot, who’s name is W1L, but likes to be called General Wilson, called us and told us that the hippies were attacking the refinery where another one of the ray guns was getting installed, so we got into the drop ship and flew over there to talk to them. As we was flying over there, we see this huge army of those radioactive zombies shambling towards the robots and the hippies and we also see this flaming goat getting pursued by the army, so we mow down some of the zombies and pick him up and he seems like a decent guy even though he looks like a demon from the fiery pits of hell.
We eventually go and talk to the hippies and explain that the robots are trying to save the earth and they should stop fighting and worry about the thousands of zombies heading towards them. The hippies totally wanted to run, but we talked them into staying and said we’d do our best to deal with the zombies because John still had a tactical nuke and he was itching to use it and Sally was all like “nuke ’em” and even the goat boy was into it. So we flew back over to where the zombies were and in the middle of the horde we see these priest-guys in a force field and we dive bomb them and drop the nuke right on top of them and it’s like…
…and our drop ship starts making a funny noise, and John passes out and there are all these red, flashing lights and goat boy grabs John and bails out and so I grab Sally and bail out only Sally weighs a lot more than I can carry (but don’t tell her I said that because I think she is sensitive about her figure) and we plummet to the ground and Sally shoots up with something just as I drop her and then she smashes the into ground and gets up and hits it with her powered sledge and then goes screaming at those priests because you knew that they’d survive that nuke, didn’t you? Anyhoo, we fought them and shot and stabbed and slashed and at one time, one of them stole a mini-nuke off John and they blew it up and we were all super glad we’d taken a bunch of Rad-X because I’ve seriously gotten worse sunburns when they lit it off. Their leader was totally impossible to hurt because he had this protective field that John and I have, only he was a lot better looking than John or I so we couldn’t punch through it and then Sally got the bright idea to jab him with a few doses of Psycho and that totally uglified him and then we tore him up but good.
So we were all pretty beat up from the fight, even if John had done more damage to himself when his bazooka backfired than the priests did to him. We watched the robots finish off their ray gun thing and then…
…it totally blasted into the sky and so I guess the world is saved now, but I sure would have given a lot to see that giant snowball explode. That would’ve been cool.
Real life has intervened so I will try to catch up the last 3 games with this post.
GW 12: Fridge, Gramps and Beyoh missed the game.
GW 13: Gramps and Sally missed the game.
GW 14: Fridge, Gramps and Sally missed the game.
Hi everybody! Wouldzee the owl here. Do you ever get behind? I don’t mean behind like when the food vendor who sells BBQ Rat on-a-stick has a sale and like a million cat people jump in front of you and you start to worry that you will never get to taste that perfect mix of sweet and savory sauce on your favorite rodent… Boy, I’m hungry now.
Hi everybody! I’m back and now I will try to catch up on what we’ve been doing since I got way behind. Boy, that rat was good. I should…focus Wouldzee…
Anyhoo, after we searched around the hippie camp and figured almost everybody had died and stuff, we came back into the Yew and talked with Cassini, that gangster guy who kind of runs the place. He was super worried that those robots were going to come back and take a bunch of people for slaves and stuff and I totally agreed that that would suck. Cassini told us a story about some other robots who’d come to the Yew like 50 years ago or something and they helped clean it up and were generally decent robots and he figured they might still be kicking around and willing to give us a hand with the bad robots. So he told us there was a way to contact the good robots and it was this mechanical bird and it was buried below the city in some kind of underground bunker and he figured we could go down there and get it for him and in exchange he’d give us his truck. Sally wanted more drugs instead of the truck, but we eventually came to an arrangement with him.
So we went underground and we fought some zombies and we found out like half the place was totally flooded with water and stuff, but Sally can breath water now, so she scouted around for John and I. We ran into this guy who was just called “Fish Guy” and he was hurt pretty bad and we asked him what was going on and he said he ran into this monster and it took a piece out of him and he was hiding down here. So I’m going to call the monster Guckgace, but I am only doing it because my niece, who is just barely older than a fledgling, sometimes reads this and I don’t want her to see his real name, but if you replace the G’s with F’s you’ll totally get it. Anyhow, we totally found that monster and kicked it’s slimy tail and we fought some more zombies too. We found a lot of guns and ammo and stuff that would have been really useful in a fight if they hadn’t been submerged in water for the past 50 years. We did find some cool stuff, like a power hammer that Sally took and a chainsaw that Sally was totally going to take, but I made her give it to Beyoh instead and John found some nukes and he seemed pretty happy with them. I found that bird and it was cool and we used it to call for reinforcements and they said they’d be here in a fortnight, whatever the heck that is, but John told us it is way less time than when them evil robots were going to come for slaves.
We tried to think up a plan and John decided we should try to lure the Knights of Genetic Purity into a battle with those bad robots to kind of kill two douchebags with one stone (you’ll notice I said “douchebags” instead of “birds” since I am a bird myself, that saying has always ruffled my tail feathers. Oh, I totally forgot that we found out that most of the hippies had actually escaped being killed before and I was pretty happy about that. And they’d also found Fridge and nobody really knows how or anything, but they opened up an old refrigerator and there he was. I’m not sure if he was really happy to see us again… Anyhow, we took that truck that Cassini gave us since we couldn’t figure out how to steal his nicer truck and drove off.
So I was really excited because John let me drive and we drove back to where we figured those knights would be and this time we paid the coyotes to cross their bridge instead of shooting them and I was glad that Sally had stayed back in the Yew to nurse her hangover instead of some along with us, since she may have started blasting them again. Anyhoo, we stopped at the Forge and got some more ethanol and talked to our friends and then I pretended to be Sally and called up the knights and I made a complete hash of it and went off on them calling them all kinds of names and stuff and they said they were going to kill us and I was like, “You and what army?” And he was like, “The army with the hover tank about 50 miles away!” And I totally remembered that and so I was like “Over and out.”
Anyhoo, we found the knights and they were camped in a valley and we drove our truck to the top of the valley and shined our lights on them and started calling them bad names and stuff and they sent two trucks after us and we were really hoping for more, so we got into this huge fight and totally took them out and got ourselves a much better truck. Then we called them on the radio and were taunting them and stuff and that guy Clasp, who we call “Dickhead, father of Douchebag” said there was no way he was coming out of his safe warm valley to chase us and he said he’d kill us again and John was nonplussed and I’ve always wanted to use that word and we weren’t sure what to do when suddenly we heard explosions and stuff and people shouting, “They’re inside the perimeter.”
So I snuck down the valley and only got shot twice and I found Tara, the dandelion lady, was totally kicking ass along with a bunch of our friends from Liberty and I so wanted to help them out. I snuck back up the hill and only got shot once and told John and Beyoh about it and they were on board for helping out and so I drove our new truck down into the camp as fast as it would go, and I was steering with my tentacles so I could shoot out the window and John was shooting things with his bazooka and Beyoh was firing his pistols, which is kind of weird since he doesn’t have eyes to, but now that I think about how often he actually hits anything I guess that makes sense.
Anyhoo, we caused a lot of mayhem and I am sure I ran over dozens of people while I was swerving around and we eventually ran into this halftrack with a big gun and it was not too far from the hover tank, so we decided to “trade up” and took out the guys in the halftrack and I was totally thinking we could blast that tank with the big gun, but John and I couldn’t figure it out, but I did notice a weak spot on the tank, were the turret and main body meet and I took a grenade and flew over and wedged it in there and it didn’t do a heck of a lot and John had broken his bazooka, so he was blasting it with his plasma gun and he finally threw me his vibroblade and I jammed it in the hole and cut up a bunch of wires and crap and it stopped rotating, but it still shot the halftrack and blew it up totally. So John and Beyoh and I all managed to get up to the turret and John got it open and we jumped inside and fought Dickhead father of Douchebag and a bunch of other knights and we just barely made it out of there alive, but we killed them all and I am not too said about it since these guys are terrible people.
I totally passed out after the fight because I’d pulled a Sally and taken way too many drugs. John took f-o-r-e-v-e-r figuring out how the tank worked and it got banged up pretty bad and then he drove around the camp smashing a lot more people with it. Finally, Tara told him to knock it off and they would “clean up” so we thought we’d better get back to the Yew and Tara said they would come to help out if they could find enough working trucks and stuff to get there in time.
“Since Beyoh is not coming along and Fridge is still dead-dead, that means I’ve got only a one-in-three chance of being blasted when you screw up with that bazooka, John. I like those odds!”
“Wouldzee, you know that one-third is bigger than one-fourth, right?”
“You can’t trick me John, I totally know that four is more than three. See?” Wouldzee demonstrates by waving his tentacles around.
A long conversation follows. John sketches a lot of pie charts in the dirt with his BBQ fork while Wouldzee watches.
“I don’t get it John.”
Another conversation ensues. More diagrams are sketched. After a few minutes John purchases a pair of apples from a local vendor. One is cut into three pieces and the other into four. Wouldzee is pretty intrigued and is very happy when John lets him eat the apples.
“Math sucks John.”
Hi everybody. Wouldzee the owl here and I am so pissed off at those robot guys. They totally did a dick move on the hippies and even though some people might argue that the hippies totally brought it on themselves for bombing the robots’ train with explosive seed pods and stuff, still they didn’t have to go so far.
We got back from the Lab Rats complex and even though we were all totally beat up and stuff we decided that we’d join the big party that was going on. Sally entered this dance competition and she was in this dance-off with all the best dancers in town and one of the gangster leader’s bodyguards was this amazing dancer and I thought that was a little weird because you think you’d hire a body guard to be a good fighter and not for his ability to cut a rug, but anyhoo the whole competition was really between those two and Sally was downing drugs like she was eating candy, but it totally paid off because she won the competition and she got a sash and this tiara and one of the judges, named Simon Cowbell, said some not mean things about her and that was kind of cool because he was sort of a dick to everyone else.
Anyhoo, while we were at the competition, the robot healer guy from the hippies came up to me and he said those evil robots from Prairie Dog Town were coming and he thought they’d totally turn him against his friends or something and that we should take all their maps and plans and stuff and then he ran off really quick. Suddenly, the loud speakers shrieked and that annoying robot guy starts broadcasting that they are attacking the Yew and that everybody better not do anything about it or they’d totally attack them too and we were like, “No way, we’re totally going to stop you!” And we jumped on a water bug and paddled over as fast as we could.
So we see these flying robot drones, like the one I shot out of the sky a while back, and this big flying truck thing and these robots sliding down ropes and attacking the hippies and the truck and the drones were shooting fire everywhere and the forest was burning down and I thought about my matches again, but then I focused and was like, “John, we’ve got this new ice thing, can we use that on the fire?” And John started telling us everything it could do, like strengthen armor and weaken armor and it had this bazooka setting and we’re all like, “Why didn’t you start with bazooka? Bazooka, bazooka, BAZOOKA!” And John started shooting at the big, flying truck with it and I think maybe the bazooka makes time go slower around John because it seemed like he was doing a lot of different things at once. Anyhoo, one of the drones flew at us, and Gramps pegged it with an arrow, so I popped a goofball and flew at it and my rifle jammed and it set me on fire and then John shot me with his bazooka and I think I died and Beyoh rescued me then Sally injected me with some healing drugs. Then Sally died and John healed her and for some reason he had an extra arm now and I imagine that will come in handy for an ordinary kind of guy like him. Then Sally ate like half of the bag of drugs she got from that mobster and started going totally ape-shit, she was throwing her weapons around and then pulling out new ones and beating the crap out of anything that came near her and she was screaming something about breathing water and I was a little scared, but she eventually collapsed into a ball after we killed all the robots.
The Yew was totally on fire and John was trying to use his fire extinguisher to put it out, but it was pretty pointless by this time and we were all really beat up and Sally was throwing up a lot and Beyoh was not going anywhere near the fire and I think Gramps had fallen asleep or something. There were a lot of dead robots and a dead hippies and I felt pretty bad about all that and the big, giant Yew tree is totally burned down and Beyoh felt pretty bad about that and we never saw the grasshopper guy or any of our other friends among the dead people and I hope they are all ok, even the guy that can’t grow dreds. One thing is for sure though and that is those robots are total dicks and we need to deal with them and it is going to be really dangerous and I am still worried about those Knights of Genetic Purity attacking our friends in the Forge because those knights are total dicks too and we just need to decide which of them is the biggest threat and go and let them have it with the ice bazooka and hope we don’t get killed by John again.
Gramps’ & Fridge’s players were not able to make it.
Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and I am always happy when we can do someone a good turn because, to be honest, we’ve done a fair amount of bad turns, like Sally shooting those coyotes and nobody ever said any kind words over Fridge when we stuffed him back into the refrigerator and we never gave Bear Trap his motorcycle back, though I don’t feel too bad about that one because he was planning to screw us over and totally would have if Sally hadn’t freaked him out. So anyhoo, while we were in the Yew, Sally was looking for some psycho and we met these guys who said they could hook her up and they seemed like the real deal (according to John’s robot parrot), so we went to this tattoo parlor and met this guy and he turned out to be the mob boss who sort or maintains the balance of power in the city and he has a really bumpy head. He told us how he’d sent his daughter to follow that Knight of Genetic Purity whose name is Craw, but we call him “Douchebag, son of Dickhead” and I was wondering why a parent would do something like that because the reason we call him “Douchebag” is because he is a total douchebag and probably would have less compunction about killing people than Sally does when she’s gotten into some bad psycho. I was totally right because his daughter went missing and she actually did die (like you’ll find out later, but don’t worry because there is a happy ending). He wanted to hire us to find her and I thought we should just help out to “balance the scales”, but Sally asked for a bunch of drugs and he gave her them and we needed to figure out a plan because the last time anyone saw his daughter she had gone over to the island where the Lab Rats are holed up and apparently nobody has ever come back from that place. He said we could probably get a giant water bug to take us over to the island if we asked the hippies and since we hadn’t seen those guys in a long time and Craw had talked to them too it sounded like a good idea.
So we met a guy in town who could take us to see the hippies and we brought along a bunch of pizza and beer because we’re smart enough to know that we’d get the munchies later if we spent any time with those guys and we wanted to be good guests too. We saw our old friend the medical robot and we met the grasshopper that Beyoh saw in his vision and he was cool and wanted to help us out and told us that he’d had the three-legged guy (the one trying to grow dreadlocks) following Craw and he saw the crime lord’s daughter get attacked on that island where the Lab Rats live and she might be dead, but he figured that Craw was still there and so we decided we’d better get over there and see what was going on. Then we partied a little too much and Sally and I came up with a plan and I think John was too high to think of something better because he just kept giggling and eating pizza. Oh, the grasshopper had a map (and I spilled sauce all over it) and he wanted to attack this big gas refinery that was 180 miles away and he figured that’d put an end to those evil robot guys and we said we’d totally be on board with it, but we needed to deal with Douchebag son of Dickhead first and maybe take on an army of those knights and he was cool with it and gave us some exploding seed pods to help us out.
Anyhoo, we went back to town with one of these giant water bugs that can walk on water and are kind of creepy-looking and make you wonder how they can actually walk on water when they are so big and all. John said something about surface tension and I was thinking that I was tense down to my hollow bones and couldn’t walk on water so I didn’t get it. Our plan was to try and talk with this lady named Dr. Arrow, because it sounded like she was the Lab Rats representative or something and we figured Sally could talk her into helping us find the gangster’s daughter and maybe she’d be convinced that Craw was a terrible person and would work against him or at least not help him out. So, Sally and I made this big banner and I gave John my chemistry kit and we went out into the lake in front of the Lab Rats island and started doing some science because we figured that they would surely want to talk to a scientist of John’s caliber, except John made a total hash of it and dropped one of my test tubes in the lake and I don’t think any of the Lab Rats really thought that adding orange food coloring to vinegar and baking soda to make a volcano was that impressive, but this little drone did fly out to us and told us to push off or they’d open up on us with machineguns or lasers or something since we were carrying a nuke so we decided we’d better come back later because this big party was starting up and it’d be easier to sneak around when that was happening.
We came back at night and we were trying to figure out what to do when this little drone thing flew out to us again and told us that all of the security systems were turned off and we could sneak into the dock. So we did and we left Buddy to watch the bug and I think that Buddy was pretty nervous that we’d push him into the lake because he hadn’t told one joke for the whole ride. We found these elevators and I figured they’d keep prisoners in the dungeon so we went to the bottom floor, which was way at the bottom of the lake, and I was totally wrong because there were no prisoners down there and we screwed around going to random floors below ground and not finding anything and the elevator was playing “Girl from Ipanema” and it is kind of catchy and I thought I would totally whistle this if I had lips instead of a beak. Then we went to the roof and didn’t find any prisoners either, but when we went to the fourth floor we finally found the gangster’s daughter and I forgot to tell you her name was Lucy and she had a bumpy head like her Dad and she was in this weird container and there was this scientist and she was a bee and she was totally clueless because I asked her to release Lucy and she just gave me this weird look and I tried a few more times to explain why she had to let her go and then I lost it and pulled my Mauser and started swearing at her and she started freaking out so I finally just tied her up with duct tape and John scienced Lucy out. Then John started talking some gibberish about being her “father from the future” and she looked a little weirded out and I thought he might be hitting on her and I felt pretty awkward because he was making such a hash of it. Anyhoo, she had like died or something because she had this huge wound and I thought about how Gramps seemed to die sometimes and of course Fridge had been dead for like 500 years or something and I kind of missed those guys, especially Gramps, because he is pretty handy in a fight.
Anyhoo, we went down to the third floor and while John was sneaking around he saw this big metal wolf with glowing red eyes and the wolf totally saw him and went for his throat and we got in this huge fight with it and then Douchebag son of Dickhead came out and he had this vibrosword and he was hacking at us and he also had a black ray gun of death and I recall my Dad telling me about those things when I was a fledgling, but he said they’d totally kill you, but I got shot like twice and I only died once, so either Dad was wrong or they’ve lost juice over the years, but I can tell you getting hit by it hurt like the bejeezus and I sure hope my feathers grow back ok and that wolf kept dying and coming back alive again just like that robot we fought back in the Forge only it was even more annoying and Beyoh was flailing around with his yield sign, but he was only damaging the drywall and Sally took psycho and was smashing at the guy, but she got some insulation wrapped around the end of her hammer and wasn’t doing much damage and I thought we were all going to die a few times, but we eventually killed them both.
So after that, we got to talk to Dr. Arrow and she seemed nice, in a kind of “she’d probably be just as happy dissecting you as talking to you” kind of way, but we learned what ice was and she had invented it and it sounds super cool (literally, it is like absolute zero) and she made it a weapon and John convinced her that we could do some “field tests” for her and tell her the results and so she is letting us use it to put the smack down on those Knights of Genetic Purity and their hover tank. That ought to be something, huh? We eventually got back to the city and we reunited Lucy and her dad and he was really happy about that and Sally got a pile of drugs and she was really happy about that and I felt pretty good about the whole thing because the only real bad thing we did was duct tape that bee scientist up, but it’s not like we were blasting coyotes or anything.
Fridge & Gramps players missed the game.
Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and if you read my stories you’ll know that I sometimes get all hopped up on goofball before going into a fight because it makes me a lot quicker, even though lately I seem to normally be about as quick as I used to be on goofball when I am straight and I really scream when I’m on it, and I tried this dope that some lizard man brewed up and I totally tripped and saw things, really mind-blowing things man, but not all drugs are good because Sally took some bad psycho and got the runs and started shooting these coyote guys who were kind of douchebags, but probably didn’t deserve to be killed by a rampaging lady bug. So I better start at the beginning…
The Dandelion lady and one of the groundhogs told us they were going to make dinner for us for saving them and I thought it was pretty nice of them to do that and was a little worried that they should be cooking a big meal so soon after being crucified, but I was also pretty hungry so I kept that to myself and I gave them all the canned food I found except for the olives because I thought John would want them for his martini, but he said he didn’t want black olives in his martini and I think he’s just being difficult now. So while they were cooking the meal this lizard guy came up to us and his face was kind of melted-looking and he told us that he was one of those lizard men that are working for the robots that can make you feel like you are getting mobbed by crows and I was reaching for my Mauser when he said that he wasn’t with those guys anymore and told us how these lizard guys had some kind of a metal man prophet come to them in the dim reaches of time and he had a Helping Friendly Book and I kind of thought it’d be cool to read it and he thought that maybe his friends thought the robots were like this metal prophet guy returned and I am sure I don’t have all the details straight, but you should get the gist of it. Oh, he said he wasn’t buying it anymore and maybe we could talk his friends around or something.
Anyhoo, he wondered if we wanted to take this drug he was brewing up and he called it “split open and melt” and John totally didn’t want to take it, but I figured what is the worst thing that could happen if a guy with a melted face offers you a drug called “split open and melt”? So Sally and Beyoh and the Dandelion Lady and that sensitive artist (whose name I can never remember) all took it and man, we really tripped… We saw this city and it was like buildings emerging from a lake and suddenly the lake started glowing this green color and we all saw this, even though we didn’t know it until later, and Sally saw all these people dressed up and dancing and having a party and Beyoh was in this field and this grasshopper guy was putting mulch all around him and then I saw this huge tree and there was this warrior guy under it with a wolf and the wolf had red eyes and it freaked me out a bit, but I was cool when I finally came down, only I got the munchies and ate all of those olives and they were pretty awful.
So we were talking about this and freaking out because we had all seen the same vision and stuff and this lady tells us that we had seen a vision of The Yew and we were like “no way” and she was all like “way” and she told us that she was from there and it was kind of spilt up between these hippie-no-tech-guys (who we met before) and the Zoopremists, who are like the Animal Liberation Front on steroids, and these guys called the Lab Rats, who sometimes cause the lake to glow green, and there is this mob boss who kind of maintains the peace too and I can’t remember his name. We were totally thinking that we should go there, only there was this army marching on the Forge and then Sally got a call from her boyfriend and he told us that the knights hover tank had broken down and I was all like “a hover tank sounds really scary”, but it gave us time to go to The Yew and see if we could get some allies. Oh, and we also found out that the leader of the knights – this guy named Clasp – has a son named Craw and Craw was in the Yew looking for this stuff called “ice” and I’ve got this vague memory of someone who sounds like the guy who remodeled by nest mentioning it before, but I hadn’t thought it very important, but apparently it is, so I am glad we are on the right track now. So we said goodbye to our friends and some of them said they were going to harass the knights and some were going to try and hold out in the Forge and John took a motorcycle and Sally and I took our centisteeds and Beyoh and Buddy rode in a cart and I forgot to mention that Sally named her centisteed “Mr. Nibbles” and makes him wear this cute little hat that he doesn’t like and we rode out for the Yew.
We followed this river for a long time and eventually came to a bridge and we needed to cross it to go onto the Yew and it looked like people were living there and we saw these three coyote guys and they were trying to shake us down for some money and then Sally started talking about psycho and they were all like, “Yeah baby, we’ll totally take some psycho instead!” So we asked Buddy to brew us up some psycho and Sally tried a little of it and she didn’t look good afterwards and one of the coyotes gobbled some down and immediately started barfing all over the place and the other coyotes were totally like, “That’s not psycho!” And they were right and suddenly we were all fighting and the coyotes were draining our “life-essence”, as the Dandelion lady would say, and we were all flailing around and I think I was really distracted by the guy who was puking because, like I said before, puking is not that big a deal for owls and we finally killed them and I felt pretty bad about it because we were totally on the wrong side of it and John ransacked their shed and found some domars and some other junk. We started riding across the bridge and more of these coyote guys came out and they asked us if we paid the toll and banged on some metal and their buddies didn’t answer them and Sally started swearing at them and then she totally blasted this guy and I was all like “No, don’t shoot!” But she didn’t care and just kept blasting at them while they all ran away and I felt pretty dirty about the whole thing and thought I should take a shower or something, but I didn’t want to wash the oil of my feathers so I just sulked a lot for the next day or so.
Anyhoo, we finally found our way to the Yew and it looked a lot like our vision and we got a ride to the market and Sally started spending all of John’s money on ammo and she wants to find some pyscho and I want to get over to where the hippies are because that is where I saw this Clasp guy and his wolf in my vision and I am pretty sure he is bad news and we’re probably going to have to fight him and maybe getting Sally some psycho before we go after that guy is not such a bad idea after all…
Fridge’s player could not make it
Hi! I’m Wouldzee the owl and I have an important message about… Well, now that I think about it, I guess I really don’t have an important message this week, we kind of screwed around, made plans, learned how to ride, nearly got shipped to New Berlin, Wisconsin (wherever the heck that is), and… Oh right, the beginning…
Anyhoo, we were all beat up from that fight with Gar Margon (except for John, who hardly had a poisonous butt-quill out of place), so we rested a bit and John was still talking to Buddy about finding olives for his martini and then I figured that Cueball and his gang would probably want to attack us, because they’d totally do some sort of thing like that, so I flew up the top of the church and kept watch while the rest of the guys searched around the compound for Gar Margon’s safe because the Dandelion Lady thought he had a safe with some important documents in it and John is kind of a “big picture” guy and wanted to know what is going on and Sally probably thought there’d be jewelry in it so it was easy to get her on board and Beyoh and Gramps usually just go along for the ride. So they searched around and I heard lots of banging and Sally was cursing a lot, but she’s really terrible at it and it’s actually kind of funny to listen to her try to sound tough, but the long and short of it was she talked to Beartrap on the radio and convinced him not to attack us because we’d totally kick his butt and then she talked the ear off one of those knights on another radio and I think she may have been hitting on him, which is kind of weird because he’d probably freak out if he knew he was talking to a ladybug, and she found out that they were planning on taking over Liberty since the robots had rounded everybody up and that they were going to be at the Forge in a few days and they had like a hundred soldiers or something and we had to figure out a way to stop them, because it would totally suck for us to rescue our friends from the robots only to find that these douchebags had taken over their little town don’t you know.
So we kicked around some plans, but I’m not sure we ever came up with anything solid, but we did figure we should get our friends from that bunker because a lot of them can scramble people’s brains and it’ll really help to have them here scrambling brains if we get attacked and stuff. So Sally and I rode up to that bunker place on a couple of centisteeds and I am totally trying to figure out why they call them centisteeds because they only have eight legs and even Beyoh knows that eight is less than one hundred and I am sure that they had more legs when I was a fledgling, even if it wasn’t a hundred back then either, but maybe they mutated or something. Anyhoo, we totally got our friends back down to the Forge and everybody is cool and has some food and stuff now and we’ve totally done the right thing by helping them out and I think my Mom would be totally proud of me and say something like, “Wouldzee, I am totally proud of you!”
Anyhoo, while Sally and I were out riding, John was poking around the Forge and he found this steel door and he could hear something banging around behind it, but he waited until Sally and I got back before he rounded up the guys to take a look and we knocked, but nothing answered, so we busted in and found this robot packing all kinds of stuff into cardboard boxes. So John says to me, “Wouldzee, let’s do an experiment. Why don’t you move one of those boxes?” And I’m totally like, “Wow, John is asking me to do science!” So I move one of the boxes and this robot freaks out and comes at me with a pricing gun and I am so worth more than $11.99 (especially if it is Canadian money) and then he tried to fold up Gramps so he’d fit into one of those little padded envelopes that make you wonder how a company could justify $10 shipping when the padding really doesn’t do all that much and the corners of you book end up being all smashed and you really wish you hadn’t been such a cheapskate and ponied up for priority instead of media mail because at least it would’ve been put in a box that way. So we bashed the heck out of this robot and it totally went lights out and then suddenly it’d spring back to life and I’m totally thinking, “Wow, what a pain in the tail feathers! Now I know how the guys fighting Gramps feel when he keeps waking up after they pummel him to the ground.” But we eventually smashed it up so bad that it stopped moving for good and we found some cool stuff and Sally has a really nice dress that kind of clashes with the jewelry that she found, but it’s not like many people have good fashion sense around here anyway since most of them seem to dress in old hockey equipment with spikes and stuff.
Fridge’s player could not make it.
Hi, it’s your friend Wouldzee the owl here and since I was in the neighborhood, being as we totally took out those Knights of Genetic Purity, who had kidnapped the Dandelion lady and one of those groundhog guys, I thought I’d check to see if you had gotten any less dead and wanted to hang out with us again, but you still looked totally dead to me and the inside of the refrigerator we stuffed you into kind of smelled like bad sushi, so I figured that I’d just write you a letter in case you got less dead later and wanted to know what your old friends were doing.
So we sold some of the motorcycles back to those warthog guys and their leader, Bear Trap, told this other guy, Cue Ball, to follow us because he wants to get the rest of his bikes back and we’re not really into helping him out with that. So we started walking towards the Forge because we know that the Dandelion lady and one of those nice groundhog guys, they brought us dinner when we were back in Liberty screwing around with the ruptured oil pipeline, had been taken prisoner and we kind of liked those guys and the Knights of Genetic purity are total dicks and they’d probably kill them and stuff, so they totally needed rescuing. Anyhoo, we’re walking towards the Forge, like I said, and Bear Trap calls us on the radio and asks us if we are going to the Forge and we’re like “yeah” and he’s all like “no way” and we’re like “way” and he’s like “you’ll get killed by this dude name Gar Margon and I won’t get my motorcycles” and we’re like “so?” and eventually we make a deal with him and he says that Cue Ball will create a diversion at 2 AM so we can sneak into the place and release our friends and we’ll give them a motorcycle or something. Oh, and somewhere along the way we found Gramps too.
John said the Forge looked like a real tough nut to crack and I know about cracking tough nuts, because when I was a fledgling my mom used to have me crack nuts for dinner, with my giant beak, on account of my dad throwing out the nutcracker we used to own, the one that looked like a soldier with a bad under-bite and its eyes kind of followed you and was just generally creepy. Anyhoo, the Forge is basically a walled off section of an ancient town and it had these spotlights on each corner and automated machinegun nests and there was this sniper up in a church bell tower and we figured that if we just ran up there we’d probably get cut down by the machineguns, so John and Sally came up with a plan to have me sneak inside the compound and cut the power to the spotlights and machinegun nests. So 2 AM comes around and this big explosion happens and Gramps wakes up and asks what we are doing and Beyoh says he hadn’t been paying attention when they made the plan and even John was getting ready to shoot somebody and draw attention to himself, but I totally stuck to the plan and popped a stim and sneaked up to the compound and got inside without anybody seeing me.
John had told me to cut the power, but he didn’t give me anything to actually do the cutting, but I thought I’d figure something out once I got inside and I totally did, but first I had to shoot the guy who was on guard duty next to the spotlight, because I tried to push him over the wall, but he didn’t fall and he started yelling for help and called me a demon and I guess I can see his point what with the tentacles and all and then he pulled out a gun and so I took a goofball and popped a cap in his ass and he totally fell of the wall. Anyhoo, after I shot that guy, I blasted the spotlight and then this other guy across the street opened up on me and I flew over there and blasted him and then I picked up his sword and tried to cut the power line like John told me, but I got a bad shock, so I dropped the sword and shot out the spotlight instead and then I shot the machinegun so it got stuck and then I saw my friends running over towards the wall and then I got shot by that sniper and it totally hurt, but I sucked it up and flew over there and he had a laser pistol and almost killed me, but he didn’t so that was pretty cool and let him have it.
I saw my friends had got up onto the roof where I’d blasted the first spotlight and they were fighting with some knights and those guys were all yelling something about a “ghost tree” and Gramps was screaming “get off my lawn”, which was kind of weird, and I didn’t recall that being part of the plan. So I looked around and I saw a gas station and I thought about my matches, but then I thought to myself, “Wouldzee, you should stick to the plan. The Dandelion lady is totally depending on you.” So I stuck to the plan and I spied this building that I figured might be a good jail and I flew over to it and searched it and nobody was inside and then Sally came in and she broke down a locked door with her sledgehammer and we saw it was a jail, but the prisoners weren’t there any longer and I thought I could track the Dandelion lady by following those little white floaty things from her head and when I did that I noticed they led back to the church and the rest of the guys were still screwing around half way across the compound and so Sally and I ran over to the church to free the Dandelion lady.
We opened up the door to the church and I almost hurled, which as I’ve mentioned previously is not that big a deal for owls, because the knights had crucified the Dandelion lady and that nice groundhog who brought us dinner and Gar Margon was there in his power armor with a scary-looking gun and there was this egghead priest guy screwing around with some kind of device and I was thinking that these guys are total douchebags and they really took it too far this time and I sure wish that Gramps or John or anyone except Sally was here with me now, because Sally can’t hit the broad side of a barn with her gun. But we opened up on them and got into this huge battle and I was hiding behind Sally for part of it and I think that I was on fire for a little while too and Sally kept missing every shot and I wasn’t doing so hot either and Gar Margon’s armor kept absorbing my bullets in its force field and eventually the rest of the guys showed up and Beyoh threw rocks at first, which didn’t seem very effective, so he switched to his Yield sign, which didn’t seem much better, and John was giving them dirty looks and Gramps waded in there swinging his crutch around and occasionally taking a nap and I almost died again, but we finally killed them.
The Dandelion lady and the groundhog were really messed up, so we got them un-crucified and tried to heal them up and John did some science on the device that the egghead was working on and he told us that it was a tactical nuclear device and Beyoh and me looked at him funnily and then he explained that it was a big bomb and then he made explosion noises for Beyoh so we all got it. Apparently we were all this close (imagine me holding my talons really close together) to evaporating in a mushroom cloud and John saved us by totally melting that priest with a dirty look. I think he just said it because he really wanted Gar Margon’s plasma rifle, but since he is the only one smart enough to use it we’d have given it to him anyway… John thinks we can use this nuke to take out the robots at Prairie Dog Town and that the E-M-P might disable them and I know John is always spelling things out for me and Beyoh, but that’s only three letters and I still don’t get how an “emp” can take out a robot, but I am too embarrassed to ask him about it now.
Anyhoo, I sure hope you can get less dead soon and if I find some time, I’ll see if I can move your corpse to a bigger refrigerator that doesn’t smell as bad.
Fridge and Gramps players could not make the game.
Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and I have some important tips about exploring junkyards. First, if you find an old robot chances are leaving it turned off is the wise thing to do, I mean, it’s not likely you’re going to turn on a rampaging death-bot or anything, but rather you are going to be terribly disappointed when he tells you he can mix up a dry martini and then fails to deliver. Second, if somebody tells you they see “glowing things” moving around in the junkyard you should probably run away, because chance are they will be giant, radioactive dogs that breath clouds of radiation and get you all irradiated and cause some of the hair to fall off your head and maybe even lose some of the quills from your butt.
Anyhoo, we were talking to Jesmond the groundhog and he told us he’d seen some glowy things moving around the forest maybe an hour away and I think maybe one of my great, great grandparents was a magpie or something because I’m usually interested in stuff that is bright and shiny, but on the other talon I was thinking, “Wouldzee, maybe those glowy things will blow up if you light them on fire,” so we had Jesmond lead us back to the place. We couldn’t see anything through the woods, but we found a chain-link fence and we climbed or flew over it and stumbled around for a while and we found these barrels of goop, but it didn’t burn and I fell in an old car and John eventually tripped over this robot and then he turned it on and it was speaking Canadian at first, but it eventually learned our language and it told us that its name was Buddy and it could make drinks and John ordered a martini, but Buddy told us that it needed ingredients and we were all disappointed that we couldn’t get liquored-up and then it started telling jokes and he may as well have been talking Canadian because they were s-o-o-o not funny and then he told us this lame joke about a dog and suddenly there was a dog behind us and then a bunch more circled us and then they attacked.
The dogs were really mean and they breathed radiation and I thought I was going to die so I flew up into the air and started blasting them with my Mauser and I was watching John get all these terrible burns and his hair was falling out and now he’s got this mole on his cheek that I don’t like the look of. We really sucked at fighting, but finally we killed most of them and the one ran away and everybody was feeling like throwing up, which as I’ve said before is not that big of a deal for me, and we only had one dose of Rad-Away and we gave it to John because he totally looked like he might die any minute. We found the den those dogs lived in and it smelled pretty awful, but we went down into it and found a dead guy (like totally dead and not like Fridge who wasn’t totally dead for a while at least) and a shopping cart with some bricks and a telepathic parrot and some power armor that Sally totally claimed and some other stuff too.
Anyhoo, we were all really tired and stuff and knew we’d probably have our asses handed to us if we tried to break into the Forge and free the Dandelion lady and other folks who the Knights of Genetic Purity had captured so we finally decided to call Bear Trap and make a deal to trade him those motorcycles for some Jet and Rad-Away and ammo for our guns and we came up with some elaborate plan to meet them and stuff and I figured this was game over for us, but Bear Trap did an honest trade, only John’s telepathic parrot overheard him tell his boys to track us so he really turned out to be kind of a douche after all. We’d planned to go back to the bunker to see our friends before heading to the Forge, but that is totally not going to happen know that we know we’re being tracked, so we’re going to head straight to the Forge and hopefully the pig men and the knights can use each other for target practice while we sneak in and rescue our friends.