Zaibatsu: The Last Square

“Fuck Kozo. How did I let you ass-hats talk me into coming to this shithole?”

Suko Guro took a drag from his Golden Bat cigarette while scanning the interior of The Osaka Corral. The nightclub, done up in an American old west theme, is crowded and smoky. Holographic images of ancient Hollywood actors like Clint Eastwood and John Wayne mingle with patrons dressed as cowpokes and dancehall girls. Over on the karaoke stage, a man wearing a bowler is mangling an old Marty Robbins song.

Toshiro ambles over to the table. He’s in full cowboy mode: spurs, chaps, vest, even a ten-gallon hat perched on his head and a plug of chewing tobacco in his mouth. He spits out a stream of brown juice, striking the side of the spittoon a meter away.

“I’m up next.” He says wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“How’d ya manage that?” Kozo asks.

“Told that fucker running the soundboard I was going to shove a grenade up his ass if he didn’t let me jump the queue.”

“One little kiss, then Felina good-bye…” Echoes weakly through the speakers. Desultory applause breaks out.

“Gotta go pardners.” Toshiro grins. He swaggers over to the stage, grabs the microphone from the grinning singer, then gives him a firm shove.

“Now y’all gonna hear a song I wrote myself.” He says in a terrible western accent.

I’m down to my very last square
Oh, my poor derriere
I think I’m gonna cry
’cause it’s only single ply
And there ain’t no more TP anywhere

Now I’m just an ordinary man
Spending some time on the can
Here is the scoop
Just had a juicy poop
And I don’t want to get it on my hand

Oh why did I eat at Taco Bell?
Guess it’s ’cause the food they serve is swell
I polished off my order
Got the runs at the border
Now it feels like my colon is in hell

Well I’m almost done on the pot
And truly, I gave it all I got
I’m headin’ for the shower
Scrub my behind for an hour
I hope this won’t happen a lot

Now I’m down to my very last square
And I know that you really don’t care
But if you have a poo
Hope it don’t happen to you
Or at least you have a change of underwear

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