Gramps’ & Fridge’s players were not able to make it.
Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and I am always happy when we can do someone a good turn because, to be honest, we’ve done a fair amount of bad turns, like Sally shooting those coyotes and nobody ever said any kind words over Fridge when we stuffed him back into the refrigerator and we never gave Bear Trap his motorcycle back, though I don’t feel too bad about that one because he was planning to screw us over and totally would have if Sally hadn’t freaked him out. So anyhoo, while we were in the Yew, Sally was looking for some psycho and we met these guys who said they could hook her up and they seemed like the real deal (according to John’s robot parrot), so we went to this tattoo parlor and met this guy and he turned out to be the mob boss who sort or maintains the balance of power in the city and he has a really bumpy head. He told us how he’d sent his daughter to follow that Knight of Genetic Purity whose name is Craw, but we call him “Douchebag, son of Dickhead” and I was wondering why a parent would do something like that because the reason we call him “Douchebag” is because he is a total douchebag and probably would have less compunction about killing people than Sally does when she’s gotten into some bad psycho. I was totally right because his daughter went missing and she actually did die (like you’ll find out later, but don’t worry because there is a happy ending). He wanted to hire us to find her and I thought we should just help out to “balance the scales”, but Sally asked for a bunch of drugs and he gave her them and we needed to figure out a plan because the last time anyone saw his daughter she had gone over to the island where the Lab Rats are holed up and apparently nobody has ever come back from that place. He said we could probably get a giant water bug to take us over to the island if we asked the hippies and since we hadn’t seen those guys in a long time and Craw had talked to them too it sounded like a good idea.
So we met a guy in town who could take us to see the hippies and we brought along a bunch of pizza and beer because we’re smart enough to know that we’d get the munchies later if we spent any time with those guys and we wanted to be good guests too. We saw our old friend the medical robot and we met the grasshopper that Beyoh saw in his vision and he was cool and wanted to help us out and told us that he’d had the three-legged guy (the one trying to grow dreadlocks) following Craw and he saw the crime lord’s daughter get attacked on that island where the Lab Rats live and she might be dead, but he figured that Craw was still there and so we decided we’d better get over there and see what was going on. Then we partied a little too much and Sally and I came up with a plan and I think John was too high to think of something better because he just kept giggling and eating pizza. Oh, the grasshopper had a map (and I spilled sauce all over it) and he wanted to attack this big gas refinery that was 180 miles away and he figured that’d put an end to those evil robot guys and we said we’d totally be on board with it, but we needed to deal with Douchebag son of Dickhead first and maybe take on an army of those knights and he was cool with it and gave us some exploding seed pods to help us out.
Anyhoo, we went back to town with one of these giant water bugs that can walk on water and are kind of creepy-looking and make you wonder how they can actually walk on water when they are so big and all. John said something about surface tension and I was thinking that I was tense down to my hollow bones and couldn’t walk on water so I didn’t get it. Our plan was to try and talk with this lady named Dr. Arrow, because it sounded like she was the Lab Rats representative or something and we figured Sally could talk her into helping us find the gangster’s daughter and maybe she’d be convinced that Craw was a terrible person and would work against him or at least not help him out. So, Sally and I made this big banner and I gave John my chemistry kit and we went out into the lake in front of the Lab Rats island and started doing some science because we figured that they would surely want to talk to a scientist of John’s caliber, except John made a total hash of it and dropped one of my test tubes in the lake and I don’t think any of the Lab Rats really thought that adding orange food coloring to vinegar and baking soda to make a volcano was that impressive, but this little drone did fly out to us and told us to push off or they’d open up on us with machineguns or lasers or something since we were carrying a nuke so we decided we’d better come back later because this big party was starting up and it’d be easier to sneak around when that was happening.
We came back at night and we were trying to figure out what to do when this little drone thing flew out to us again and told us that all of the security systems were turned off and we could sneak into the dock. So we did and we left Buddy to watch the bug and I think that Buddy was pretty nervous that we’d push him into the lake because he hadn’t told one joke for the whole ride. We found these elevators and I figured they’d keep prisoners in the dungeon so we went to the bottom floor, which was way at the bottom of the lake, and I was totally wrong because there were no prisoners down there and we screwed around going to random floors below ground and not finding anything and the elevator was playing “Girl from Ipanema” and it is kind of catchy and I thought I would totally whistle this if I had lips instead of a beak. Then we went to the roof and didn’t find any prisoners either, but when we went to the fourth floor we finally found the gangster’s daughter and I forgot to tell you her name was Lucy and she had a bumpy head like her Dad and she was in this weird container and there was this scientist and she was a bee and she was totally clueless because I asked her to release Lucy and she just gave me this weird look and I tried a few more times to explain why she had to let her go and then I lost it and pulled my Mauser and started swearing at her and she started freaking out so I finally just tied her up with duct tape and John scienced Lucy out. Then John started talking some gibberish about being her “father from the future” and she looked a little weirded out and I thought he might be hitting on her and I felt pretty awkward because he was making such a hash of it. Anyhoo, she had like died or something because she had this huge wound and I thought about how Gramps seemed to die sometimes and of course Fridge had been dead for like 500 years or something and I kind of missed those guys, especially Gramps, because he is pretty handy in a fight.
Anyhoo, we went down to the third floor and while John was sneaking around he saw this big metal wolf with glowing red eyes and the wolf totally saw him and went for his throat and we got in this huge fight with it and then Douchebag son of Dickhead came out and he had this vibrosword and he was hacking at us and he also had a black ray gun of death and I recall my Dad telling me about those things when I was a fledgling, but he said they’d totally kill you, but I got shot like twice and I only died once, so either Dad was wrong or they’ve lost juice over the years, but I can tell you getting hit by it hurt like the bejeezus and I sure hope my feathers grow back ok and that wolf kept dying and coming back alive again just like that robot we fought back in the Forge only it was even more annoying and Beyoh was flailing around with his yield sign, but he was only damaging the drywall and Sally took psycho and was smashing at the guy, but she got some insulation wrapped around the end of her hammer and wasn’t doing much damage and I thought we were all going to die a few times, but we eventually killed them both.
So after that, we got to talk to Dr. Arrow and she seemed nice, in a kind of “she’d probably be just as happy dissecting you as talking to you” kind of way, but we learned what ice was and she had invented it and it sounds super cool (literally, it is like absolute zero) and she made it a weapon and John convinced her that we could do some “field tests” for her and tell her the results and so she is letting us use it to put the smack down on those Knights of Genetic Purity and their hover tank. That ought to be something, huh? We eventually got back to the city and we reunited Lucy and her dad and he was really happy about that and Sally got a pile of drugs and she was really happy about that and I felt pretty good about the whole thing because the only real bad thing we did was duct tape that bee scientist up, but it’s not like we were blasting coyotes or anything.