Beyoh, Fridge & Gramps players did not make the game.
Hi everybody! Wouldzee the owl here. Remember how last time I wrote I said I really wished someone had a camera to take a picture of me blowing up that tanker car because I’d never do anything that cool again in my whole life? Well, I still haven’t done anything that cool, because blowing up a tanker full of gas has got to be in like the top ten list of cool things you can do, but I did do something that I would totally like a picture of because it was so awesome and I totally must have looked like some sort of superhero, ninja badass when I did it… Oh right, start at the beginning…
So we rescued all these people and they’re all tired and hungry and kind of beat up, because those lizardmen had cattle prods and were zapping them and stuff, and none of us wanted to get caught by those robots in Prairie Dog Town who were like driving around looking for us (or so we thought), so we stayed in the woods and it was night and I’m nocturnal and we were really sneaky, even John, so they didn’t find us. Anyhoo, we were resting one morning and suddenly this thing comes burrowing up out of the ground and it’s got tentacles with poison quills and like three legs and a beak or something and it wants to eat us, but we’re all like “no way, go find a three-headed gazelle or something” and it still attacks us, so we start tearing it apart, except for Sally, who can’t seem to hit the broad side of a cthonian with her sledgehammer. She finally gets frustrated and starts yelling at it about how bad ladybugs taste and she’s totally right, there was this one time when I accidently swallowed one of those Asian beetles, you know, the ones that look like ladybugs and I almost puked, which in retrospect is not that big of a deal for owls since we cough up pellets all the time and anyhoo, she tells it to go off and hunt elsewhere and it totally left us alone after that.
We’d been planning on taking the refugees to Liberty, but John, who is pretty smart for an ordinary guy, reminds us that there is that bunker only a few miles away, and it is totally full of food, so we decide to head there in the hopes that less people will starve to death or something. While we were walking that Cue-ball guy or whatever he is called, tried to get us to tell us where those motorcycles were and we were totally not helpful and he threatened that Rebar or whatever his name was, was getting antsy, but we were like “whatever” and hung up on him. I’m not sure why John leaves the radio on, I think he just likes to screw with those guys… Anyhoo, eventually, we crossed the trail that the big truck made when it went to Liberty and we noticed that there was some recent traffic on it, like only a few hours ago. So we think, “Uh oh, those robots really aren’t looking for us, they are totally going to Liberty, we’d better get moving to help them out”. So we drop the refugees off at that bunker place, give them some food and stuff and warn them about the raccoons, who might bite even though they are kind of cute, then we take the motorcycles and ride away.
So we drove back into the woods on that trail leading to Liberty and then we heard something crashing towards us, so we hid the motorcycles and I flew up into a tree to see what was coming and I saw one of those trucks the robots were using to haul prisoners driving towards us. I jumped on the top of the truck and cut open the tarp to peek inside and I saw Cashton and a bunch of other folks from Liberty and this robot and a bunch of those lizardmen and all the people from Liberty were like holding their heads and moaning and looked just awful and stuff. So I thought to myself, “Wouldzee, you’ve totally got to do something about this,” and then I made some really cool “special ops” gestures to Sally and John and they looked confused, but they often look confused when I talk to them too, so I figured they’d “got it” and then I swung down and grabbed that robot!
So then I’ve got this robot like totally tied up in my tentacles and I’m thinking to myself, “Wouldzee, this robot is w-a-a-a-y stronger than you and he’s going to break out any second. I wonder if you could throw him under the wheels of the truck?” And then I hear a voice inside my head, and it sounds like the guy that remodeled my nest, and it’s like, “That sounds like it might work.” And so I totally threw the robot under the truck and it was all c-r-u-n-c-h and the truck bounced around and I swung inside and pulled my Mauser and told those lizardguys to freeze or I’d blow their fricking brains out and they totally froze and I was thinking “Wouldzee, you rock, I wish someone had taken a picture of you doing all that stuff because you probably looked like an action hero or something!” And then that robot got up and shot me in the back with his gun, which was a total dick move because I wasn’t even looking at him and it really hurt too!
Anyhoo, Sally and John got on their motorcycles and came roaring up to help out, and Sally pasted that robot with her sledgehammer and John BBQ-forked it good too and I was all like “that’s what you get for shooting me in the back, you SOB,” and then I noticed those lizard-guys had lit up their cattle prods and so I got all hopped up on goofball, grabbed one of them and was clawing at his eyes when I got pushed out of the truck by a telekinetic force and then I realized that I was in the open and it was day and I’d probably get mobbed by crows and I kind of freaked out. Sally pulled out her whip and wrapped it around that robot’s throat and started dragging him along behind her motorcycle and then dropped him under the truck, but she totally messed up and he didn’t get run over, but I didn’t say anything because her heart was in the right place, and John raced up to the truck and was giving those lizardmen the stink-eye and a couple of them totally melted, which was pretty gross.
Anyhoo, we finally killed them all, but they had it coming for being slavers and all, and Sally and I were pretty seriously messed up, but John only had a couple of quills out of place. We screwed around with the truck and finally got it to stop and got the prisoners out and John found this weird box that was giving everybody inside the truck a migraine and we all talked about migraines for a little while and somebody said you get them less frequently when you get older and somebody else said that was BS, but we all decided they sucked and then we talked to Cashton and found out that Liberty had been raided and most of the people were taken prisoner and were probably already in Prairie Dog Town and I was all like, “I told you so,” and felt pretty self-satisfied that my prediction had come true, but all the gloating was spoiled because the people of Liberty were all taken hostage and even though they were way too complacent, they still shouldn’t be forced to work for some robot overlord building a railroad or something.
So we decided that we should decide on something and we figured our best bet was to send Cashton and the other folks back to the bunker to rest and then go to Liberty to see if anyone was still alive and while we were doing that, one of the groundhogs and that sensitive artist guy showed up and gave us the low-down about Liberty being totally overrun and how only a couple of people got away and how the Dandelion lady was totally captured by those robots and I am sure that Beyoh is going to freak out when he hears about it. So now we’re in a pickle, because we have to figure out how to rescue our friends, and also a bunch of other people we don’t know, from Prairie Dog Town and some of the people we already rescued can fight, but they don’t have any weapons and Sally thinks she can get some power armor at the Forge, but those Knights of Genetic Purity totally control it so we’ll have to figure out how to take them down I guess.