We are joined by “Fridge” a revenant
Memorable passages of the night:
Wouldzee’s player: “I rolled 17 for stealth.”
GM: “They rolled 17 for perception.”
John’s player: “So you’re a spotted owl.”
GM: “Roll to see if you can figure out how to drive the motorcycle.”
Fridge’s player: “Twenty! Wait a minute, this is my old motorcycle!”
Hi! I’m Wouldzee the owl and I have an important message about the value of patience. Normally I’m a pretty patient guy, except for that time that I was trying to sneak away with one of those warthog biker’s motorcycles and two of them totally saw me and they told me it wasn’t mine and I said that possession was nine-tenths of the law and then they were going to beat me with chains and so I pulled out my Mauser and told them if they took one freaking step closer I was going to blow their freaking heads right off and they totally hopped back on their bikes and drove off and I told them “yeah, you better run” and… Oh, I guess I should start at the beginning…
So Cashton told us we could sleep in the manger, because there was no room at the inn (or maybe they didn’t have an inn), and I was asking John when he thought the three wise guys would show up and suddenly this dead guy just sits up and I totally freak out, but Cashton says it is ok because, well he really didn’t have a good reason, but he introduces us to him and his name is Fridge. So Fridge tells us that he was living when the bomb dropped, but he’s kind of not living now and he had hidden in a refrigerator when the bomb dropped because he’d seen that really bad Indiana Jones movie, that they really shouldn’t have made because it was so terrible and had aliens and stuff and the guy who played his son was kind of a douchebag and anyhoo, he thought it was a good idea, but he died, only he woke up a few years ago and started wandering around and eventually found his way to Liberty. Then we went to bed.
The next morning, we were talking with one of the groundhogs and he told us that there was a string of metal poles and he thought they might lead out of the valley, along an old road or something, and maybe we should follow them. Oh, and the nice Dandelion lady told us that she’d felt some tremors in the ground a while back, but she was totally stoned and didn’t think anything of it, but probably should have mentioned it before, but we forgave her because she is pretty cool and gave us some healing potions and other stuff that she cooked up. Anyhoo, the townsfolk asked us if we’d go and have a look-see and said they could give us some guns they took from people whose brains they’d scrambled in the past and I was totally willing to do it for free, but John started to give me a dirty look and I remembered how those warthogs got all blistered and gnarly-looking when John gave them a dirty look so I shut my beak and took a nice deer rifle from their collection.
Anyhoo, we was passing around ammunition and potions and grenades and stuff, when we heard this rumbling sound and all of a sudden this great, huge truck comes down the hill and it’s like crashing over trees and stuff and we really don’t know what to do and I suggest that Beyoh go out and stand in front of it because he told me he can’t get knocked over, only he doesn’t seem so keen on the idea so we just kind of wait. This big truck drives up to the pipeline and these four guys get out and then they drive a little digger truck out of the back and start digging near where the pipe burst. So we try to talk to them, only they don’t speak our language and Fridge thinks they are speaking Canadian and he kind of BSes his way up close to them, because they seem ready to totally shoot the rest of us, even John, who is by all accounts perfectly ordinary, and then Fridge halls off and smacks one of them with his sledgehammer.
I am totally like, “What are you doing?” but Fridge is kind of our friend now, so we have to support him, even when he is acting rash, and so I start blasting away with my rifle and John and Beyoh start blazing away too and these guys, who are totally robots, are shooting at us and trying to hit people with shovels and that digger thing and they keep putting those zip tie things on Fridge, only he’s kind of rubbery and keeps slipping out of them and I think he was making a pass at one of them too and it makes me feel a little awkward. None of us are really being effective and I am wondering if I really have a deer rifle or a BB gun considering how much damage I am doing and then the old farmer, who asked us to come down when the pipe first exploded, walks over and starts doing his juju, probably because we are making such a hash of it, and he like kills himself doing his mental blast stuff and it was like totally uncalled for because if we’d all exercised a little patience I think we could have avoided this conflict in the first place.
Anyhoo, after the dust settled and the gun smoke blew away, the little digger drove back into the cargo bay and then that truck started up and drove away. The townsfolk thought we should follow it and since we had nothing better to do and we don’t have great judgment and I think they only asked us to do it so we wouldn’t ruin the old farmer’s funeral, we ran after it and jumped on board, only Beyoh can’t run fast so he got left behind and then we needed to figure out how to slow the truck down so he could get on board and we eventually did, only John got several electrical shocks in the process and his hair was standing on end like the quills in his butt usually do when he is fighting.
So we travelled in the truck all day and eventually it got to be night and we could see this little village all lit up a ways away and we figured that was where the truck was going. Anyhoo, the village was under attack by those warthog guys and they was driving around on their choppers shouting and blasting at people with guns and Fridge said it was like a Mad Max movie, whatever that was, and the truck didn’t slow down, so we all hopped out before we drove right into the middle of a gun fight to see what the deal was.
Anyhoo, we were hunkered down watching and I’m just starting to think about taking a potshot at one of the bikers when suddenly I notice the flag flying over this little village and it is – I kid you not – the Knights of Genetic Purity! Now if you haven’t heard tell of these guys they are totally bad news. I mean they typically don’t mess around with average, ordinary guys like John Smith, but if you can shoot death rays out of your eyes or have poisonous quills on your butt or something they will totally screw with you. So I’m thinking to myself, “Wouldzee, these guys are totally bad news and those warthogs are SOBs and Fridge smells terrible, so maybe you should just let them wipe each other out and then go in there and collect any cool stuff they may have and later you can ask John to ask Fridge about hanging the pine-scented air-freshener you took out of the truck around his neck so he doesn’t smell as bad. So we watched for a while and it looked like the knights were getting the better of the bikers, because the warthogs were running low on ammo. The knights were also screwing around trying to stop that big truck that was trying to drive through their little town.
So we figured that the big truck was eventually going to push its way through the town and we’d better be on the other side when it got there, so we decided we should swipe a couple of the warthog’s motorcycles, especially since the guys who were driving them had gotten all killed and stuff and probably would be needing them, unless they came back from the dead like Fridge, but I didn’t think that likely since I didn’t see any refrigerators lying around. So we snuck on down and I was totally sneaky, but John was all like, “Hey look at me and my prickly butt!” and two bikers came over beat him with chains and killed him. Then I grabbed a bike, but I couldn’t get it started and so I pushed it away and the same two guys came to beat me down, but I freaked out on them and they drove off like I said earlier and then John, who was just faking being dead, got himself a chopper and started it up and drove off while Beyoh went all ectoplasmic and freaky to draw the knights’ fire. Then we found Fridge and it turned out that the motorcycle I grabbed used to belong to him, like 500 years ago or something, so he totally knew how to drive it and I was wishing that the warthogs who told me it was theirs would turn up so I could tell them, “In your face!” but by that time they were fleeing.
Anyhoo, we pushed the choppers through the woods and around to the other side of the village and Fridge tried to teach us how to play euchre while we waited, but I got totally confused and Beyoh was all like, “What did they make these cards out of?” every five minutes and so we watched the knights screwing around trying to capture the big truck for a while and then went to sleep. The next morning we work up when this aircraft goes roaring over us and we look down at the village and the knights are still screwing around with this truck and I am thinking, “Don’t you have anything better to do? It’s not like it is that cool of a truck and it will probably be smelly since there was a dead guy riding in it and I swiped the pine-scented air-freshener from it.” And then BOOM, this aircraft like totally bombs the truck the knights were using to stop that big truck hauling the digger and it drives right on out of the little village and starts heading our way.
Now I’ve got to decide if I am riding behind the guy with poisonous quills on his butt or the dude who smells like rotting flesh…