Gamma World 1: Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute

For the 2 people who follow Filbanto Stew, I’ve been catching up the blog on our recent games. We’ve actually played three sessions of Numenera, but I usually run the game synopsis past our GM each week since I forget all the NPC names.

Numenera is on hold for a while since our GM is out of town, so we decided to give Gamma World a go. The DM is running the D&D5 fan-made rules. Only three players made the game. We rolled randomly for everything and wound up with the following party:

Beyoh the mutated tree
Zarkon the alien, I mean John Smith the ordinary, average guy
Wouldzee the mutated owl


Hi, I’m Wouldzee the Owl and I have an important message for you. As you know, most of Gamma World is an irradiated wasteland, so nothing gets my tentacles in a knot more than seeing one of the few green patches left get flooded with crude oil… Huh? What am I ranting about? Oh that’s right, I haven’t filled you in on events leading up to the latest ecological nightmare I’m up against.

So I was out flying one day. I’m not really sure where I was headed. I think I have some kind of  memory loss… Anyhoo, I was out flying and I see this nice looking tree, all covered with these pretty, colored lights and an old, rusty Yield sign caught in its branches and there’s this guy taking a nap below it and I think to myself, “Wouldzee, you should take a rest before some murder of mutant crows decide to mob you.” So I set myself down in the tree, only to have it yell at me not to poop on it. Now, we all know that owls cough up pellets instead of pooping, so once the tree, whose name is Beyoh, learned that, we became great friends. I asked Beyoh,  “If you fell over in the woods and nobody else was around would you make any noise?” He told me that he didn’t fall over – it was one of his special abilities – so I guess I’ll never figure that one out… Now the guy who was sleeping below the tree woke up and told us his name was John Smith and that he was ordinary and that his eyes were ordinary and that the quills growing out of his butt were totally ordinary too and we all decided to travel together, along this old highway, because we had nothing better to do and it led somewhere and Beyoh and John probably suffer from some sort of memory loss too.

Anyhoo, we was travelling along when we heard some motorcycles roaring along ahead of us. You don’t hear that kind of thing much, so I flew up in the air to take a look-see at where they was going. They turned off the highway onto some other road heading into a hillier area and we all decided to follow them because we really had nothing better to do and I guess none of us have really good judgment and we really don’t know when to avoid sticking our beaks into other people’s business. We travelled along for quite a while, and we were careful to walk on the shoulder facing traffic because I was pretty sure this was a major road we found ourselves on and we didn’t want to get run over and Beyoh made sure to hold up his Yield sign so people driving cars would see it and hopefully yield before running us over. We were totally lucky an didn’t see any cars.

Anyhoo, we came to what looked like an ancient village, though I’m being generous when I say that because it was really just a house and an old gas station. We didn’t see any signs of the motorcycles or anything, so I flew in to take a look around. So I see this little girl with pretty butterfly wings and there’s this dead guy and she’s all crying and stuff and I felt really bad for her so I rushed back to get John, because he seems pretty sharp for an average guy with a prickly butt and I figured he might be able to science up the dead guy or something. So we all sneak back to the village, which really wasn’t a village, and John totally gives us away and the little girl sees us and asks us to help heal her father. It’s about this time that I notice her dad has probably been dead for a week because he is crawling with those big blue flies that are so annoying and even though they seem to fly really slow it is hard to swat them and when I tell John, the little girl starts laughing and then morphs into this warthog guy who totally shoots me.

So I’m lying on the ground and I think I am bleeding out and I hear the voice of the guy who remodeled my nest saying, “Come into the light Wouldzee…” and then suddenly I am awake. It’s like I had a second wind or something. Anyhoo, I’m lying there watching Beyoh pounding on that warthog guy who shot me with his Yield sign and I’m wondering if maybe the guy had peed on him when he was a sapling or something because he is totally beating him to a bloody pulp. John is giving another warthog the stink-eye and it’s cringing and screaming and not really acting like I figured someone would act if an ordinary guy gave them a dirty look and then I totally lose it and pull my Broomhandle Mauser and holler at the warthogs to freeze and they totally freeze until Beyoh starts swinging his sign around again. I caught a couple of them using my hula-hoop and tentacles, but I feel kind of bad about it because Beyoh totally turned them into spam when they wouldn’t answer our questions, and it totally reinforced my feeling that he’d been peed on when he was a sapling. Oh, and one of them got away so we knew they’d come back for revenge or something.

Anyhoo, we searched around the place and set off a bomb, but we found some neat stuff to make up for all the shrapnel I had to pick out of my feathers. The warthogs’ motorcycles were in a garage, but they were out of gas. They were cooking up some kind of drugs and John figured out how to finish them off so now we can all get hopped up on goofball or maybe die depending on how we react to the stuff. There were also some boats and stuff, oh and this guy who’d died on the gas station toilet like a hundred years ago or something. We also found this map. It’s one of those ancient maps with all the pretty colors that are impossible to refold correctly. We figured out we were in Oil City, which is a really dumb name since it’s not even as big as a village as I said before. There was also a town named Liberty to the south of Oil City and someone had written (I’m pretty sure in Pig Latin) that there was lots of food and few weapons and some other stuff I probably forgot. We decide that we should go and warn the people in Liberty that a gang of warthog bikers was going to attack and plunder their settlement, so we set off because like I said before, we really don’t know when to avoid sticking our beaks into other people’s business.

Anyhoo, it took about a day to travel to Liberty. We met these two guys as we came into town named Portland and Bangor and John thought they might be a couple of the main citizens. We told them about their impending doom, but they really didn’t seem to get it and they told us we could go into town and trade with this guy named Cashton and we figured that he might give a rat’s ass that his village was going to be overrun by warthog bikers, and it would be bad for business, and I’ve also been working on this decorative macramé owl that I thought I could sell, so we went to see him.

Anyhoo, we went to the mercantile and we met this Dandelion gal, who I think has the hots for Beyoh, and Cashton who really didn’t seem to care that a horde of vicious pig-man bikers were gathering to destroy his village, but he had one of the town elders come over to talk to us. So this old guy comes in and he tells us not to worry because half of the village has mind powers and can totally put the whammy on any warthog bikers. So we eventually let it drop because they seemed pretty sure of themselves and my new friends seem pretty sneaky, except John wasn’t really that sneaky before, but we can probably escape in the confusion during the upcoming battle.

Anyhoo, while we were talking, this farmer comes into the store and says that some black stuff is erupting from the ground across the river from his farm and so we all decide to head down there and take a look and I’m thinking, “this is probably some eldritch horror that burrowed its way to the surface after a thousand years of imprisonment”, but John does some science and figures it is oil and it is shooting out all over and getting into the river and I am secretly thinking, “How are you going to mind control your way out of this you complacent SOBs?” Then I totally remember that I had found a box of matches, but John tells me that is NOT a good idea and Beyoh is kind of freaking out too so I put them away, only I found myself taking them out again, just to make sure, but John yells at me again, so I say that I will fly to the other side of the river to check out what is going on, only John makes me leave my matches with him.

When I fly over there I am totally careful, because I didn’t see any dishwashing detergent in Cashton’s store and it is impossible to get oil out of your feathers, though it comes off your tentacles pretty easy… Anyhoo, I can’t see a lot even though I have really good eyes and can even see in the dark, but this oil is just jetting everywhere and like into the river and flowing into the farmer’s field and washing up in the town and I think about my matches again, but since John won’t let me use them, we just sit there and wait.

After a while these two nice woodchucks or groundhogs bring us some dinner. (Please don’t think poorly of me, but I cannot tell them apart. I have trouble distinguishing between cougar, puma and mountain lions too.)  I asked them how much wood they could chuck, but they just gave me dirty looks, and Beyoh seemed a little uncomfortable about the whole topic so I let it drop and went back to work on my macramé. Eventually the jet of oil stops and the townsfolk put some kids to work digging around the hole it shot out of and they uncover a big pipe full of Texas Tea buried in the ground and it looks like it just kind of rusted through and burst so like it is totally bad luck for all these villagers, who are kind of annoying, but really didn’t deserve all this and are probably all going to starve to death or something if we can’t find a way to clean this mess up. On the bright side, I finished my macramé owl and decided to work on a toilet paper cozy next.

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