Well, we saved the world from Shai Tan’s mad half brother. I figured it was curtains for us when our DM sprang Hextor on us after we’d blown all our spells on a dragon and the main bad guy. I was pretty jazzed to actually roll a divine intervention for my character when things looked the most grim and then kind of cheesed that Pelor came in and stole the show. Is it too much to ask that the Tentacled Whisperer of Impossible Secrets kicks some ass once in a while? Anyhow, here are the last two entries from Shai Tan and Cap’n Black Jack. My guess is we shan’t be playing D&D again, but you never know…
A Letter to the Noble Houses of Mala’am, many copies sent out via couriers and fast ships to reach the Families scattered among the four winds.
My Fellow Lords and Ladies,
It is with great jubilance that I invite you to return Immediately to your rightful homes in Mala’am, for our great city, once a paradise on earth, recently tyrannized by the evil oppressor, my former brother (whose name I will not use), is FREE! The usurper is slain, his diabolically possessed army liberated and pardoned for their unwitting crimes, and evil has been driven from the city!
The murder of my Noble Father, Lord Ahriman, and the subsequent illegal regime was clandestinely precipitated by the infernal power of none other than H*xt*r, the ancient deity of war and discord. His physical manifestation also has been driven from Mala’am.
As for my role in these events: I fled Mala’am the night of my Father’s murder and in the many months since then, along with a party of plucky devil-hating fellows, traveled the wide world on the trail of the source of the evil strangling the free world. Through many adventures and much discomfort, sacrifice and peril we came to Mala’am and faced the great evil responsible there, and were victorious!
And as of four nights ago, morality, law and decency has been restored. The youngest of my Family has been crowned Lord of the Tower of Ahriman. I have been acknowledged full status in the Ahriman family and have requested and been granted the position of the Seneschal. Apart from being my Lord’s right-hand, I will be tasked with the essential role of public relations; the Prime Minister of Information, if you will. One of the first responsibilities of my office that I look forward to immensely will be to host a gala for the return of all the great Families.
We look forward to your Noble attendance at our Tower, the first full moon of Harvest, to celebrate a new era of Prosperity and Joy! A temple to Pelor, God of Light, is being planned, and the cornerstone will be dedicated to conciliate his Greatness and the role he played in driving out the evil. Also, a temple to Pyaray, whisperer of impossible secrets, is already under construction at the wharf. Attendants at the celebration will include General Khalim, commander of the Unified Forces of Mala’am, and Lord and Lady Armand of Caazham.
So, please convey to all your servants (indentured and free), your men-at-arms, your household staffs: that it is time return to Mala’am, for we are Free, and there is much work to be done! Put out a call to all crafstmen: Masters, Journeymen, Apprentices—we need their labor in Mala’am! With our coin and their strong hands, we will restore eminence to our Noble houses!
As a footnote, it is with great ambivalence that I bid farewell to my comrades-in-arms and fellow travelers—combatants of evil. I will be hanging up my spurs, beating my sword into a set of fine dining ware, perhaps, and my spear into crochet hooks.
I remain,Your Seneschal,
Dear Friar Ignatius,
Surprisin’ly finds meself still drawin’ breath after me last adventure. As ye ken, t’ lads and me heard tell what Shai Tan’s brother be holed up in t’ crypts under his ancestral castle. Me first thought be t’ get t’ masons t’ mix us up a batch o’ cement and seal t’ bastard in good and tight, but ye probably remember that red dragon, don’t ye? T’ beast had took up residence in t’ great hall o’ t’ castle. Take note Ignatius, when your time come t’ establish a keep o’ your own, keep t’ size o’ t’ doors down t’ a manageable level and you’ll avoid a lot o’ grief.”
Me buckos and I made our way into t’ keep, sendin’ t’ six toed hobbit on ahead t’ scout for t’ dragon. First thought it to be the grog, but kept seein’ glimpses o’ ghosts flittin’ about t’ place we did. None o’ them be interested in talkin’ or fightin’ so we let them be. Finally found t’ beast a holed up in t’ lower part o’ t’ keep. We cast all our combat spells and then t’ half elf and I charged t’ bastard. ‘Twas a fierce fight I tells ye, but we finally put t’ creature out o’ our misery. Methinks it’ll take some time for Shai Tan’s servants t’ haul that corpse up out o’ thar though. Har!
Found our way down t’ t’ crypts and finally cornered Shai Tan’s brother. We let t’ bastard have it but good only t’ see him wink out o’ existence usin’ his magic cloak. He come at us a time later and we gutted him good. T’ scurvey dog then calls upon this war god named Hextor (Ahoy! I still be chucklin’ about that name too – no wonder he’s so bloody angry all t’ time). I tried t’ close t’ gate, but this Hextor character be too set on gettin’ some blood. He steps into battle with us while Shai Tan’s brother winks out o’ range again – damn his eyes.
Now mind ye, we’ve fought us a red dragon and gone around twice with this warrior wizard, so we’re pretty well spent when t’ god o’ war sets his beady eyes on us. ‘Twas a dark hour, so I called upon t’ tentacled whisperer t’ come t’ our aid. Ye should o’ seen it Ignatius! This bastard Hextor steps fore lookin’ for easy prey when suddenly he be wrapped up in Pyaray’s clutches. Har! I stepped up and gave t’ scurvey dog a blow from me hammer while he bellowed and screamed. ‘Twas glorious. Eventually, old Pelor deigned t’ make and appearance. What with Pyaray holdin’ him smartly that old milksop o’ a sun god had little t’ fear. He banished old Hextor pretty as you please. Next thin’ ye know, t’ ghosts o’ Shai Tan’s ancestors come streamin’ t’ their crypts.
As for t’ nob, installed t’ younger (legitimate) brother on t’ throne he did, then took up as prime minister or somesuch. T’ new king gots as much spine as a sea cucumber, so ’tis no secret who be running t’ show. Methinks t’ new king’ll suffer from an impacted kidney (impacted with a poisoned dagger) if he ever crosses that sorceror.
Old Black Jack is sure to be busy for a time Ignatius, so pray forgive me if I don’t write ye for a spell. Overseein’ t’ construction o’ a new temple t’ t’ Tentacled Whisperer o’ Impossible secrets I be. It’ll be grand and sure t’ cast a shadow over t’ temple o’ Pelor. Har!
Black Jack Barcelona