D&D7: Eulogy for Lefty & Stumps

Let’s take a moment to remember our dearly departed NPCs with a Eulogy from Black Jack Barcelona. I warn you, it’s a real tear jerker. Please have tissues close at hand.


Dearly beloved. Oh who be I tryin’ t’ fool? Ye poor dumb bastards be doomed as me… Somebody shut that bloody hobbit up now or I swear I’ll feed him his damn lute!

Gathered together we be t’ pay homage t’ crewmen Lefty and Stumps what suffered horrible, lin’erin’ deaths – most likely by torture – due t’ t’ fact what we abandoned them on this cursed island what be teemin’ with devils, pumas, cougars, mountain lions and other terrible creatures. Me prayer be that they lost their minds smartly whilst sufferin’ under t’ sadistic ministrations o’ that terrible barbed devil we slew.

In me time with Lefty and Stumps, saw t’ it they served adequately aboard that leakin’ tub o’ a caravel did I. Felt it was me duty, don’t ye know, what havin’ press-ganged t’ scoundrels meself. If their vengeful ghosts be lin’erin’ about, knows that I bore them no ill-will when ordered t’ give them a taste o’ t’ cat for failure t’ splice t’ mainbraces or what have ye. Aye, had they stepped t’ it smartly when them kobold pirates set their sights on us, like as not they’d be drinkin’ rum with some tarted-up doxies instead o’ smolderin’ in t’ flotsam on yonder burnt-out hulk.

And now, I commend their pitiful remains t’ Pyaray, t’ Tentacled Whisperer o’ Impossible Secrets, t’ sail t’ sea bottoms as restless undead, until such time as t’ lords o’ chaos tear open t’ barriers t’ this world and t’ drowned jack tars rise from t’ depths t’ prey upon t’ livin’ durin’ t’ apocalypse.


Internal monologue of Shai-Tan during eulogy:
remember: look solemn–how long is this going to take? can’t we sit? my feet are already killing me–there’s a little stone under my heel– I can’t wait to get some new boots, these are just about shot–must have been trudging through all that fucking sand—someday I’ll get some made custom with giant alligator skin with four silver buckles–that would be sweet–who knows when we’ll be in any kind of city big enough to go shopping–not that I have any gold anyway–this is so boring–who were these guys–stumps?–what kind of name is that? oh, yeah because of the whole hand thing–was he the one that smelled like vinegar? or the one who had that tic where he kept twitching his head over to one side? blah blah blah–what kind of priest is this guy anyway? I can’t understand him half the time–I hope I’m not supposed to kneel or cross myself or something, wait–did he just say he hopes they lost their minds? what’s that about? when I go I want there to be big party, with food and music and dancing, none of this boring shit—-I can barely remember what these guys looked like–my foot’s asleep—seriously can anyone understand what he is talking about? look solemn—did he just say they are coming back to prey on the living in the apocalypse?!?!? WTF? try not to look unsettled–look solemn–ok it’s over do we clap? should I fake some tears? definitely giant alligator skin–or maybe pixie skin–that stuff is awesome….

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