D&D5: Bearded ’em in Their Lair

Dear Friar Ignatius,

I take pen in hand t’ write ye o’ me latest travails. T’ lads and me done tracked a band o’ thugs and murderers through t’ wilds t’ their hidey-hole in a great mountain somewhere in t’ southern continent. I asks ye indulgence Ignatius, as I takes a minute t’ ponder why every wicked thin’ be apt t’ lair in some nasty cave or dilapidated ruin? Just once I’d like t’ storm a nice villa or chateau. Somethin’ with a decent wine cellar, eh? Now thar be a task what’s worth t’ effort. Har!

Anon, we found t’ place, espied a few guards and a pair o’ them barbed devils lin’erin’ about t’ entrance. Frontal assault seemed a daft idea and we’d heard from this elf bint we’d captured that thar be a secret door t’ their lair somewhere’s about. Stumbled about in t’ dark ‘til we found it, we did. ‘Twas a tight squeeze through t’ tunnel and Glaber saw hisself a great scaly serpent up ahead. We came up with a plan t’ draw t’ beast out, but found ourselves lackin’ in t’ execution. T’ half-orc ended up fightin’ t’ blighter on his own and gettin’ chewed up in t’ process.

We crawled from t’ tunnel and set about t’ devisin’ a way t’ pull t’ serpent’s body out when we noticed t’ guards at t’ main entrance be amblin’ our way. I commanded t’ elf t’ call out t’ them, assuage their suspicion as it were, so we could ambush t’ bloody lot. Again, t’ plan seemed sound, but failed in its execution. ‘Twas a marvelous fray though Ignatius. We blasted one o’ them devil’s out o’ t’ air with spells and arrows right quick. T’ other stood off t’ rain spikes down upon us, when suddenly we be joined by a giant magical spider. I be knowin’ what ye be thinkin’ and no, I’ve not been eatin’ them mushrooms again. ‘Tis funny how these magical beasts appear when that ugly hobbit turns tail durin’ t’ fight though… Yon spider webbed t’ spiny bugger, brin’in’ it t’ t’ ground. It burst t’ web, and tried t’ take t’ t’ air when yours truly tackled it head on. ‘Twas like t’ ole football matches we played against t’ lads from St. Simeon back in seminary, only t’ devil didn’t fight as dirty as those monks. Har! Long story short, I held t’ blighter down long enough for Glaber t’ split him open.

With all hope o’ surprise lost, none o’ us be keen t’ crawl through t’ serpent tunnel and have our head removed from our shoulders by whatever waited on t’ other side. T’ lads and me rushed t’ main door, itchin’ t’ bust some heads. T’ cowards barricaded themselves in another room they did. T’ sneaky hobbit proved unequal t’ t’ task o’ openin’ it up, so after a brief pause t’ whet me whistle, me and Glaber set t’ it with axes. Anon, we burst in and set about with our weapons. A good number o’ bandits, another giant snake, a fallen knight and quite possibly t’ silliest lookin’ denizen o’ hell I e’er set eye to. A beard o’ serpents it had! By t’ Black Goat, it nearly took me head off I be laughin’ so hard. All in all, ’twas a close run thin’. T’ devil split me open and I thought I’d breathed me last. T’ half-orc be holdin’ his side t’ keep his innards from a-spillin’ out, that noble ponce and t’ sneaky hobbit took some licks too. Even that ugly hobbit be laid out after t’ fight. Thought he’d fainted from t’ excitement, did I, till I noticed he be bleedin’ out.”

Pocketed enough gold t’ keep us in grog for a while, should we ever navigate ourselves t’ civilization again. We also found us another o’ them ugly toad idols in t’ chamber. T’ bright idea came t’ us t’ bust up t’ beastly thin’ and low and behold our elf lassy come out o’ her trance. Calls herself Preshana she does and told us t’ knight be called Braxton. Heard tell o’ some bint name Noria Zul appearin’ in a magic mirror, but I saw it not. Glaber bashed t’ bloody thin’ in a fit o’ rage after t’ action so I’m not like t’ see her either.

I be hoping that all fares well with ye. I shall endeavor t’ write ye again soon,

Black Jack Barcelona

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