Gamma World 10: The Drug Dealer’s Daughter in Distress

Gramps’ & Fridge’s players were not able to make it.

Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and I am always happy when we can do someone a good turn because, to be honest, we’ve done a fair amount of bad turns, like Sally shooting those coyotes and nobody ever said any kind words over Fridge when we stuffed him back into the refrigerator and we never gave Bear Trap his motorcycle back, though I don’t feel too bad about that one because he was planning to screw us over and totally would have if Sally hadn’t freaked him out. So anyhoo, while we were in the Yew, Sally was looking for some psycho and we met these guys who said they could hook her up and they seemed like the real deal (according to John’s robot parrot), so we went to this tattoo parlor and met this guy and he turned out to be the mob boss who sort or maintains the balance of power in the city and he has a really bumpy head. He told us how he’d sent his daughter to follow that Knight of Genetic Purity whose name is Craw, but we call him “Douchebag, son of Dickhead” and I was wondering why a parent would do something like that because the reason we call him “Douchebag” is because he is a total douchebag and probably would have less compunction about killing people than Sally does when she’s gotten into some bad psycho. I was totally right because his daughter went missing and she actually did die  (like you’ll find out later, but don’t worry because there is a happy ending). He wanted to hire us to find her and I thought we should just help out to “balance the scales”, but Sally asked for a bunch of drugs and he gave her them and we needed to figure out a plan because the last time anyone saw his daughter she had gone over to the island where the Lab Rats are holed up and apparently nobody has ever come back from that place. He said we could probably get a giant water bug to take us over to the island if we asked the hippies and since we hadn’t seen those guys in a long time and Craw had talked to them too it sounded like a good idea.

So we met a guy in town who could take us to see the hippies and we brought along a bunch of pizza and beer because we’re smart enough to know that we’d get the munchies later if we spent any time with those guys and we wanted to be good guests too. We saw our old friend the medical robot and we met the grasshopper that Beyoh saw in his vision and he was cool and wanted to help us out and told us that he’d had the three-legged guy (the one trying to grow dreadlocks) following Craw and he saw the crime lord’s daughter get attacked on that island where the Lab Rats live and she might be dead, but he figured that Craw was still there and so we decided we’d better get over there and see what was going on. Then we partied a little too much and Sally and I came up with a plan and I think John was too high to think of something better because he just kept giggling and eating pizza. Oh, the grasshopper had a map (and I spilled sauce all over it) and he wanted to attack this big gas refinery that was 180 miles away and he figured that’d put an end to those evil robot guys and we said we’d totally be on board with it, but we needed to deal with Douchebag son of Dickhead first and maybe take on an army of those knights and he was cool with it and gave us some exploding seed pods to help us out.

Anyhoo, we went back to town with one of these giant water bugs that can walk on water and are kind of creepy-looking and make you wonder how they can actually walk on water when they are so big and all. John said something about surface tension and I was thinking that I was tense down to my hollow bones and couldn’t walk on water so I didn’t get it. Our plan was to try and talk with this lady named Dr. Arrow, because it sounded like she was the Lab Rats representative or something and we figured Sally could talk her into helping us find the gangster’s daughter and maybe she’d be convinced that Craw was a terrible person and would work against him or at least not help him out. So, Sally and I made this big banner and I gave John my chemistry kit and we went out into the lake in front of the Lab Rats island and started doing some science because we figured that they  would surely want to talk to a scientist of John’s caliber, except John made a total hash of it and dropped one of my test tubes in the lake and I don’t think any of the Lab Rats really thought that adding orange food coloring to vinegar and baking soda to make a volcano was that impressive, but this little drone did fly out to us and told us to push off or they’d open up on us with machineguns or lasers or something since we were carrying a nuke so we decided we’d better come back later because this big party was starting up and it’d be easier to sneak around when that was happening.

We came back at night and we were trying to figure out what to do when this little drone thing flew out to us again and told us that all of the security systems were turned off and we could sneak into the dock. So we did and we left Buddy to watch the bug and I think that Buddy was pretty nervous that we’d push him into the lake because he hadn’t told one joke for the whole ride. We found these elevators and I figured they’d keep prisoners in the dungeon so we went to the bottom floor, which was way at the bottom of the lake, and I was totally wrong because there were no prisoners down there and we screwed around going to random floors below ground and not finding anything and the elevator was playing “Girl from Ipanema” and it is kind of catchy and I thought I would totally whistle this if I had lips instead of a beak. Then we went to the roof and didn’t find any prisoners either, but  when we went to the fourth floor we finally found the gangster’s daughter and I forgot to tell you her name was Lucy and she had a bumpy head like her Dad and she was in this weird container and there was this scientist and she was a bee and she was totally clueless because I asked her to release Lucy and she just gave me this weird look and I tried a few more times to explain why she had to let her go and then I lost it and pulled my Mauser and started swearing at her and she started freaking out so I finally just tied her up with duct tape and John scienced Lucy out. Then John started talking some gibberish about being her “father from the future” and she looked a little weirded out and I thought he might be hitting on her and I felt pretty awkward because he was making such a hash of it. Anyhoo, she had like died or something because she had this huge wound and I thought about how Gramps seemed to die sometimes and of course Fridge had been dead for like 500 years or something and I kind of missed those guys, especially Gramps, because he is pretty handy in a fight.

Anyhoo, we went down to the third floor and while John was sneaking around he saw this big metal wolf with glowing red eyes and the wolf totally saw him and went for his throat and we got in this huge fight with it and then Douchebag son of Dickhead came out and he had this vibrosword and he was hacking at us and he also had a black ray gun of death and I recall my Dad telling me about those things when I was a fledgling, but he said they’d totally kill you, but I got shot like twice and I only died once, so either Dad was wrong or they’ve lost juice over the years, but I can tell you getting hit by it hurt like the bejeezus and I sure hope my feathers grow back ok and that wolf kept dying and coming back alive again just like that robot we fought back in the Forge only it was even more annoying and Beyoh was flailing around with his yield sign, but he was only damaging the drywall and Sally took psycho and was smashing at the guy, but she got some insulation wrapped around the end of her hammer and wasn’t doing much damage and I thought we were all going to die a few times, but we eventually killed them both.

So after that, we got to talk to Dr. Arrow and she seemed nice, in a kind of “she’d probably be just as happy dissecting you as talking to you” kind of way, but we learned what ice was and she had invented it and it sounds super cool (literally, it is like absolute zero) and she made it a weapon and John convinced her that we could do some “field tests” for her and tell her the results and so she is letting us use it to put the smack down on those Knights of Genetic Purity and their hover tank. That ought to be something, huh? We eventually got back to the city and we reunited Lucy and her dad and he was really happy about that and Sally got a pile of drugs and she was really happy about that and I felt pretty good about the whole thing because the only real bad thing we did was duct tape that bee scientist up, but it’s not like we were blasting coyotes or anything.

Gamma World 9: What a Long Strange Trip it’s Been

Fridge & Gramps players missed the game.

Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and if you read my stories you’ll know that I sometimes get all hopped up on goofball before going into a fight because it makes me a lot quicker, even though lately I seem to normally be about as quick as I used to be on goofball when I am straight and I really scream when I’m on it, and I tried this dope that some lizard man brewed up and I totally tripped and saw things, really mind-blowing things man, but not all drugs are good because Sally took some bad psycho and got the runs and started shooting these coyote guys who were kind of douchebags, but probably didn’t deserve to be killed by a rampaging lady bug. So I better start at the beginning…

The Dandelion lady and one of the groundhogs told us they were going to make dinner for us for saving them and I thought it was pretty nice of them to do that and was a little worried that they should be cooking a big meal so soon after being crucified, but I was also pretty hungry so I kept that to myself and I gave them all the canned food I found except for the olives because I thought John would want them for his martini, but he said he didn’t want black olives in his martini and I think he’s just being difficult now. So while they were cooking the meal this lizard guy came up to us and his face was kind of melted-looking and he told us that he was one of those lizard men that are working for the robots that can make you feel like you are getting mobbed by crows and I was reaching for my Mauser when he said that he wasn’t with those guys anymore and told us how these lizard guys had some kind of a metal man prophet come to them in the dim reaches of time and he had a Helping Friendly Book and I kind of thought it’d be cool to read it and he thought that maybe his friends thought the robots were like this metal prophet guy returned and I am sure I don’t have all the details straight, but you should get the gist of it. Oh, he said he wasn’t buying it anymore and maybe we could talk his friends around or something.

Anyhoo, he wondered if we wanted to take this drug he was brewing up and he called it “split open and melt” and John totally didn’t want to take it, but I figured what is the worst thing that could happen if a guy with a melted face offers you a drug called “split open and melt”? So Sally and Beyoh and the Dandelion Lady and that sensitive artist (whose name I can never remember) all took it and man, we really tripped… We saw this city and it was like buildings emerging from a lake and suddenly the lake started glowing this green color and we all saw this, even though we didn’t know it until later, and Sally saw all these people dressed up and dancing and having a party and Beyoh was in this field and this grasshopper guy was putting mulch all around him and then I saw this huge tree and there was this warrior guy under it with a wolf and the wolf had red eyes and it freaked me out a bit, but I was cool when I finally came down, only I got the munchies and ate all of those olives and they were pretty awful.

So we were talking about this and freaking out because we had all seen the same vision and stuff and this lady tells us that we had seen a vision of The Yew and we were like “no way” and she was all like “way” and she told us that she was from there and it was kind of spilt up between these hippie-no-tech-guys (who we met before) and the Zoopremists, who are like the Animal Liberation Front on steroids, and these guys called the Lab Rats, who sometimes cause the lake to glow green, and there is this mob boss who kind of maintains the peace too and I can’t remember his name. We were totally thinking that we should go there, only there was this army marching on the Forge and then Sally got a call from her boyfriend and he told us that the knights hover tank had broken down and I was all like “a hover tank sounds really scary”, but it gave us time to go to The Yew and see if we could get some allies. Oh, and we also found out that the leader of the knights – this guy named Clasp – has a son named Craw and Craw was in the Yew looking for this stuff called “ice” and I’ve got this vague memory of someone who sounds like the guy who remodeled by nest mentioning it before, but I hadn’t thought it very important, but apparently it is, so I am glad we are on the right track now. So we said goodbye to our friends and some of them said they were going to harass the knights and some were going to try and hold out in the Forge and John took a motorcycle and Sally and I  took our centisteeds and Beyoh and Buddy rode in a cart and I forgot to mention that Sally named her centisteed “Mr. Nibbles” and makes him wear this cute little hat that he doesn’t like and we rode out for the Yew.

We followed this river for a long time and eventually came to a bridge and we needed to cross it to go onto the Yew and it looked like people were living there and we saw these three coyote guys and they were trying to shake us down for some money and then Sally started talking about psycho and they were all like, “Yeah baby, we’ll totally take some psycho instead!” So we asked Buddy to brew us up some psycho and Sally tried a little of it and she didn’t look good afterwards and one of the coyotes gobbled some down and immediately started barfing all over the place and the other coyotes were totally like, “That’s not psycho!” And they were right and suddenly we were all fighting and the coyotes were draining our “life-essence”, as the Dandelion lady would say, and we were all flailing around and I think I was really distracted by the guy who was puking because, like I said before, puking is not that big a deal for owls and we finally killed them and I felt pretty bad about it because we were totally on the wrong side of it and John ransacked their shed and found some domars and some other junk. We started riding across the bridge and more of these coyote guys came out and they asked us if we paid the toll and banged on some metal and their buddies didn’t answer them and Sally started swearing at them and then she totally blasted this guy and I was all like “No, don’t shoot!” But she didn’t care and just kept blasting at them while they all ran away and I felt pretty dirty about the whole thing and thought I should take a shower or something, but I didn’t want to wash the oil of my feathers so I just sulked a lot for the next day or so.

Anyhoo, we finally found our way to the Yew and it looked a lot like our vision and we got a ride to the market and Sally started spending all of John’s money on ammo and she wants to find some pyscho and I want to get over to where the hippies are because that is where I saw this Clasp guy and his wolf in my vision and I am pretty sure he is bad news and we’re probably going to have to fight him and maybe getting Sally some psycho before we go after that guy is not such a bad idea after all…

Gamma World 8: is Still Shipping after the World Ends

Fridge’s player could not make it

Hi! I’m Wouldzee the owl and I have an important message about… Well, now that I think about it, I guess I really don’t have an important message this week, we kind of screwed around, made plans, learned how to ride, nearly got shipped to New Berlin, Wisconsin (wherever the heck that is), and… Oh right, the beginning…

Anyhoo, we were all beat up from that fight with Gar Margon (except for John, who hardly had a poisonous butt-quill out of place), so we rested a bit and John was still talking to Buddy about finding olives for his martini and then I figured that Cueball and his gang would probably want to attack us, because they’d totally do some sort of thing like that, so I flew up the top of the church and kept watch while the rest of the guys searched around the compound for Gar Margon’s safe because the Dandelion Lady thought he had a safe with some important documents in it and John is kind of a “big picture” guy and wanted to know what is going on and Sally probably thought there’d be jewelry in it so it was easy to get her on board and Beyoh and Gramps usually just go along for the ride. So they searched around and I heard lots of banging and Sally was cursing a lot, but she’s really terrible at it and it’s actually kind of funny to listen to her try to sound tough, but the long and short of it was she talked to Beartrap on the radio and convinced him not to attack us because we’d totally kick his butt and then she talked the ear off one of those knights on another radio and I think she may have been hitting on him, which is kind of weird because he’d probably freak out if he knew he was talking to a ladybug, and she found out that they were planning on taking over Liberty since the robots had rounded everybody up and that they were going to be at the Forge in a few days and they had like a hundred soldiers or something and we had to figure out a way to stop them, because it would totally suck for us to rescue our friends from the robots only to find that these douchebags had taken over their little town don’t you know.

So we kicked around some plans, but I’m not sure we ever came up with anything solid, but we did figure we should get our friends from that bunker because a lot of them can scramble people’s brains and it’ll really help to have them here scrambling brains if we get attacked and stuff. So Sally and I rode up to that bunker place on a couple of centisteeds and I am totally trying to figure out why they call them centisteeds because they only have eight legs and even Beyoh knows that eight is less than one hundred and I am sure that they had more legs when I was a fledgling, even if it wasn’t a hundred back then either, but maybe they mutated or something. Anyhoo, we totally got our friends back down to the Forge and everybody is cool and has some food and stuff now and we’ve totally done the right thing by helping them out and I think my Mom would be totally proud of me and say something like, “Wouldzee, I am totally proud of you!”

Anyhoo, while Sally and I were out riding, John was poking around the Forge and he found this steel door and he could hear something banging around behind it, but he waited until Sally and I got back before he rounded up the guys to take a look and we knocked, but nothing answered, so we busted in and found this robot packing all kinds of stuff into cardboard boxes. So John says to me, “Wouldzee, let’s do an experiment. Why don’t you move one of those boxes?” And I’m totally like, “Wow, John is asking me to do science!” So I move one of the boxes and this robot freaks out and comes at me with a pricing gun and I am so worth more than $11.99 (especially if it is Canadian money) and then he tried to fold up Gramps so he’d fit into one of those little padded envelopes that make you wonder how a company could justify $10 shipping when the padding really doesn’t do all that much and the corners of you book end up being all smashed and you really wish you hadn’t been such a cheapskate and ponied up for priority instead of media mail because at least it would’ve been put in a box that way. So we bashed the heck out of this robot and it totally went lights out and then suddenly it’d spring back to life and I’m totally thinking, “Wow, what a pain in the tail feathers! Now I know how the guys fighting Gramps feel when he keeps waking up after they pummel him to the ground.” But we eventually smashed it up so bad that it stopped moving for good and we found some cool stuff and Sally has a really nice dress that kind of clashes with the jewelry that she found, but it’s not like many people have good fashion sense around here anyway since most of them seem to dress in old hockey equipment with spikes and stuff.

Gamma World 7: Attack on the Forge

Fridge’s player could not make it.

Dear Fridge,

Hi, it’s your friend Wouldzee the owl here and since I was in the neighborhood, being as we totally took out those Knights of Genetic Purity, who had kidnapped the Dandelion lady and one of those groundhog guys, I thought I’d check to see if you had gotten any less dead and wanted to hang out with us again, but you still looked totally dead to me and the inside of the refrigerator we stuffed you into kind of smelled like bad sushi, so I figured that I’d just write you a letter in case you got less dead later and wanted to know what your old friends were doing.

So we sold some of the motorcycles back to those warthog guys and their leader, Bear Trap, told this other guy, Cue Ball, to follow us because he wants to get the rest of his bikes back and we’re not really into helping him out with that. So we started walking towards the Forge because we know that the Dandelion lady and one of those nice groundhog guys, they brought us dinner when we were back in Liberty screwing around with the ruptured oil pipeline, had been taken prisoner and we kind of liked those guys and the Knights of Genetic purity are total dicks and they’d probably kill them and stuff, so they totally needed rescuing. Anyhoo, we’re walking towards the Forge, like I said, and Bear Trap calls us on the radio and asks us if we are going to the Forge and we’re like “yeah” and he’s all like “no way” and we’re like “way” and he’s like “you’ll get killed by this dude name Gar Margon and I won’t get my motorcycles” and we’re like “so?” and eventually we make a deal with him and he says that Cue Ball will create a diversion at 2 AM so we can sneak into the place and release our friends and we’ll give them a motorcycle or something. Oh, and somewhere along the way we found Gramps too.

John said the Forge looked like a real tough nut to crack and I know about cracking tough nuts, because when I was a fledgling my mom used to have me crack nuts for dinner, with my giant beak, on account of my dad throwing out the nutcracker we used to own, the one that looked like a soldier with a bad under-bite and its eyes kind of followed you and was just generally creepy. Anyhoo, the Forge is basically a walled off section of an ancient town and it had these spotlights on each corner and automated machinegun nests and there was this sniper up in a church bell tower and we figured that if we just ran up there we’d probably get cut down by the machineguns, so John and Sally came up with a plan to have me sneak inside the compound and cut the power to the spotlights and machinegun nests. So 2 AM comes around and this big explosion happens and Gramps wakes up and asks what we are doing and Beyoh says he hadn’t been paying attention when they made the plan and even John was getting ready to shoot somebody and draw attention to himself, but I totally stuck to the plan and popped a stim and sneaked up to the compound and got inside without anybody seeing me.

John had told me to cut the power, but he didn’t give me anything to actually do the cutting, but I thought I’d figure something out once I got inside and I totally did, but first I had to shoot the guy who was on guard duty next to the spotlight, because I tried to push him over the wall, but he didn’t fall and he started yelling for help and called me a demon and I guess I can see his point what with the tentacles and all and then he pulled out a gun and so I took a goofball and popped a cap in his ass and he totally fell of the wall. Anyhoo, after I shot that guy, I blasted the spotlight and then this other guy across the street opened up on me and I flew over there and blasted him and then I picked up his sword and tried to cut the power line like John told me, but I got a bad shock, so I dropped the sword and shot out the spotlight instead and then I shot the machinegun so it got stuck and then I saw my friends running over towards the wall and then I got shot by that sniper and it totally hurt, but I sucked it up and flew over there and he had a laser pistol and almost killed me, but he didn’t so that was pretty cool and let him have it.

I saw my friends had got up onto the roof where I’d blasted the first spotlight and they were fighting with some knights and those guys were all yelling something about a “ghost tree” and Gramps was screaming “get off my lawn”, which was kind of weird, and I didn’t recall that being part of the plan. So I looked around and I saw a gas station and I thought about my matches, but then I thought to myself, “Wouldzee, you should stick to the plan. The Dandelion lady is totally depending on you.” So I stuck to the plan and I spied this building that I figured might be a good jail and I flew over to it and searched it and nobody was inside and then Sally came in and she broke down a locked door with her sledgehammer and we saw it was a jail, but the prisoners weren’t there any longer and I thought I could track the Dandelion lady by following those little white floaty things from her head and when I did that I noticed they led back to the church and the rest of the guys were still screwing around half way across the compound and so Sally and I ran over to the church to free the Dandelion lady.

We opened up the door to the church and I almost hurled, which as I’ve mentioned previously is not that big a deal for owls, because the knights had crucified the Dandelion lady and that nice groundhog who brought us dinner and Gar Margon was there in his power armor with a scary-looking gun and there was this egghead priest guy screwing around with some kind of device and I was thinking that these guys are total douchebags and they really took it too far this time and I sure wish that Gramps or John or anyone except Sally was here with me now, because Sally can’t hit the broad side of a barn with her gun. But we opened up on them and got into this huge battle and I was hiding behind Sally for part of it and I think that I was on fire for a little while too and Sally kept missing every shot and I wasn’t doing so hot either and Gar Margon’s armor kept absorbing my bullets in its force field and eventually the rest of the guys showed up and Beyoh threw rocks at first, which didn’t seem very effective, so he switched to his Yield sign, which didn’t seem much better, and John was giving them dirty looks and Gramps waded in there swinging his crutch around and occasionally taking a nap and I almost died again, but we finally killed them.

The Dandelion lady and the groundhog were really messed up, so we got them un-crucified and tried to heal them up and John did some science on the device that the egghead was working on and he told us that it was a tactical nuclear device and Beyoh and me looked at him funnily and then he explained that it was a big bomb and then he made explosion noises for Beyoh so we all got it. Apparently we were all this close (imagine me holding my talons really close together) to evaporating in a mushroom cloud and John saved us by totally melting that priest with a dirty look. I think he just said it because he really wanted Gar Margon’s plasma rifle, but since he is the only one smart enough to use it we’d have given it to him anyway… John thinks we can use this nuke to take out the robots at Prairie Dog Town and that the E-M-P might disable them and I know John is always spelling things out for me and Beyoh, but that’s only three letters and I still don’t get how an “emp” can take out a robot, but I am too embarrassed to ask him about it now.

Anyhoo, I sure hope you can get less dead soon and if I find some time, I’ll see if I can move your corpse to a bigger refrigerator that doesn’t smell as bad.

Your friend,


Gamma World 6: Meaner than a Junkyard Dog

Fridge and Gramps players could not make the game.

Hi, I’m Wouldzee the owl and I have some important tips about exploring junkyards. First, if you find an old robot chances are leaving it turned off is the wise thing to do, I mean, it’s not likely you’re going to turn on a rampaging death-bot or anything, but rather you are going to be terribly disappointed when he tells you he can mix up a dry martini and then fails to deliver. Second, if somebody tells you they see “glowing things” moving around in the junkyard you should probably run away, because chance are they will be giant, radioactive dogs that breath clouds of radiation and get you all irradiated and cause some of the hair to fall off your head and maybe even lose some of the quills from your butt.

Anyhoo, we were talking to Jesmond the groundhog and he told us he’d seen some glowy things moving around the forest maybe an hour away and I think maybe one of my great, great grandparents was a magpie or something because I’m usually interested in stuff that is bright and shiny, but on the other talon I was thinking, “Wouldzee, maybe those glowy things will blow up if you light them on fire,” so we had Jesmond lead us back to the place. We couldn’t see anything through the woods, but we found a chain-link fence and we climbed or flew over it and stumbled around for a while and we found these barrels of goop, but it didn’t burn and I fell in an old car and John eventually tripped over this robot and then he turned it on and it was speaking Canadian at first, but it eventually learned our language and it told us that its name was Buddy and it could make drinks and John ordered a martini, but Buddy told us that it needed ingredients and we were all disappointed that we couldn’t get liquored-up and then it started telling jokes and he may as well have been talking Canadian because they were s-o-o-o not funny and then he told us this lame joke about a dog and suddenly there was a dog behind us and then a bunch more circled us and then they attacked.

The dogs were really mean and they breathed radiation and I thought I was going to die so I flew up into the air and started blasting them with my Mauser and I was watching John get all these terrible burns and his hair was falling out and now he’s got this mole on his cheek that I don’t like the look of. We really sucked at fighting, but finally we killed most of them and the one ran away and everybody was feeling like throwing up, which as I’ve said before is not that big of a deal for me, and we only had one dose of Rad-Away and we gave it to John because he totally looked like he might die any minute. We found the den those dogs lived in and it smelled pretty awful, but we went down into it and found a dead guy (like totally dead and not like Fridge who wasn’t totally dead for a while at least) and a shopping cart with some bricks and a telepathic parrot and some power armor that Sally totally claimed and some other stuff too.

Anyhoo, we were all really tired and stuff and knew we’d probably have our asses handed to us if we tried to break into the Forge and free the Dandelion lady and other folks who the Knights of Genetic Purity had captured so we finally decided to call Bear Trap and make a deal to trade him those motorcycles for some Jet and Rad-Away and ammo for our guns and we came up with some elaborate plan to meet them and stuff and I figured this was game over for us, but Bear Trap did an honest trade, only John’s telepathic parrot overheard him tell his boys to track us so he really turned out to be kind of a douche after all. We’d planned to go back to the bunker to see our friends before heading to the Forge, but that is totally not going to happen know that we know we’re being tracked, so we’re going to head straight to the Forge and hopefully the pig men and the knights can use each other for target practice while we sneak in and rescue our friends.

Gamma World 5: Let’s Go All Mad Max on These Guys

Beyoh, Fridge & Gramps players did not make the game.

Hi everybody! Wouldzee the owl here. Remember how last time I wrote I said I really wished someone had a camera to take a picture of me blowing up that tanker car because I’d never do anything that cool again in my whole life? Well, I still haven’t done anything that cool, because blowing up a tanker full of gas has got to be in like the top ten list of cool things you can do, but I did do something that I would totally like a picture of because it was so awesome and I totally must have looked like some sort of superhero, ninja badass when I did it… Oh right, start at the beginning…

So we rescued all these people and they’re all tired and hungry and kind of beat up, because those lizardmen had cattle prods and were zapping them and stuff, and none of us wanted to get caught by those robots in Prairie Dog Town who were like driving around looking for us (or so we thought), so we stayed in the woods and it was night and I’m nocturnal and we were really sneaky, even John, so they didn’t find us. Anyhoo, we were resting one morning and suddenly this thing comes burrowing up out of the ground and it’s got tentacles with poison quills and like three legs and a beak or something and it wants to eat us, but we’re all like “no way,  go find a three-headed gazelle or something” and it still attacks us, so we start tearing it apart, except for Sally, who can’t seem to hit the broad side of a cthonian with her sledgehammer. She finally gets frustrated and starts yelling at it about how bad ladybugs taste and she’s totally right, there was this one time when I accidently swallowed one of those Asian beetles, you know, the ones that look like ladybugs and I almost puked, which in retrospect is not that big of a deal for owls since we cough up pellets all the time and anyhoo, she tells it to go off and hunt elsewhere and it totally left us alone after that.

We’d been planning on taking the refugees to Liberty, but John, who is pretty smart for an ordinary guy, reminds us that there is that bunker only a few miles away, and it is totally full of food, so we decide to head there in the hopes that less people will starve to death or something. While we were walking that Cue-ball guy or whatever he is called, tried to get us to tell us where those motorcycles were and we were totally not helpful and he threatened that Rebar or whatever his name was, was getting antsy, but we were like “whatever” and hung up on him. I’m not sure why John leaves the radio on, I think he just likes to screw with those guys… Anyhoo, eventually, we crossed the trail that the big truck made when it went to Liberty and we noticed that there was some recent traffic on it, like only a few hours ago. So we think, “Uh oh, those robots really aren’t looking for us, they are totally going to Liberty, we’d better get moving to help them out”. So we drop the refugees off at that bunker place, give them some food and stuff and warn them about the raccoons, who might bite even though they are kind of cute, then we take the motorcycles and ride away.

So we drove back into the woods on that trail leading to Liberty and then we heard something crashing towards us, so we hid the motorcycles and I flew up into a tree to see what was coming and I saw one of those trucks the robots were using to haul prisoners driving towards us. I jumped on the top of the truck and cut open the tarp to peek inside and I saw Cashton and a bunch of other folks from Liberty and this robot and a bunch of those lizardmen and all the people from Liberty were like holding their heads and moaning and looked just awful and stuff. So I thought to myself, “Wouldzee, you’ve totally got to do something about this,” and then I made some really cool “special ops” gestures to Sally and John and they looked confused, but they often look confused when I talk to them too, so I figured they’d “got it” and then I swung down and grabbed that robot!

So then I’ve got this robot like totally tied up in my tentacles and I’m thinking to myself, “Wouldzee, this robot is w-a-a-a-y stronger than you and he’s going to break out any second. I wonder if you could throw him under the wheels of the truck?” And then I hear a voice inside my head, and it sounds like the guy that remodeled my nest, and it’s like, “That sounds like it might work.” And so I totally threw the robot under the truck and it was all c-r-u-n-c-h and the truck bounced around and I swung inside and pulled my Mauser and told those lizardguys to freeze or I’d blow their fricking brains out and they totally froze and I was thinking “Wouldzee, you rock, I wish someone had taken a picture of you doing all that stuff because you probably looked like an action hero or something!” And then that robot got up and shot me in the back with his gun, which was a total dick move because I wasn’t even looking at him and it really hurt too!

Anyhoo, Sally and John got on their motorcycles and came roaring up to help out, and Sally pasted that robot with her sledgehammer and John BBQ-forked it good too and I was all like “that’s what you get for shooting me in the back, you SOB,” and then I noticed those lizard-guys had lit up their cattle prods and so I got all hopped up on goofball, grabbed one of them and was clawing at his eyes when I got pushed out of the truck by a telekinetic force and then I realized that I was in the open and it was day and I’d probably get mobbed by crows and I kind of freaked out. Sally pulled out her whip and wrapped it around that robot’s throat and started dragging him along behind her motorcycle and then dropped him under the truck, but she totally messed up and he didn’t get run over, but I didn’t say anything because her heart was in the right place, and John raced up to the truck and was giving those lizardmen the stink-eye and a couple of them totally melted, which was pretty gross.

Anyhoo, we finally killed them all, but they had it coming for being slavers and all, and Sally and I were pretty seriously messed up, but John only had a couple of quills out of place. We screwed around with the truck and finally got it to stop and got the prisoners out and John found this weird box that was giving everybody inside the truck a migraine and we all talked about migraines for a little while and somebody said you get them less frequently when you get older and somebody else said that was BS, but we all decided they sucked and then we talked to Cashton and found out that Liberty had been raided and most of the people were taken prisoner and were probably already in Prairie Dog Town and I was all like, “I told you so,” and felt pretty self-satisfied that my prediction had come true, but all the gloating was spoiled because the people of Liberty were all taken hostage and even though they were way too complacent, they still shouldn’t be forced to work for some robot overlord building a railroad or something.

So we decided that we should decide on something and we figured our best bet was to send Cashton and the other folks back to the bunker to rest and then go to Liberty to see if anyone was still alive and while we were doing that, one of the groundhogs and that sensitive artist guy showed up and gave us the low-down about Liberty being totally overrun and how only a couple of people got away and how the Dandelion lady was totally captured by those robots and I am sure that Beyoh is going to freak out when he hears about it. So now we’re in a pickle, because we have to figure out how to rescue our friends, and also a bunch of other people we don’t know, from Prairie Dog Town and some of the people we already rescued can fight, but they don’t have any weapons and Sally thinks she can get some power armor at the Forge, but those Knights of Genetic Purity totally control it so we’ll have to figure out how to take them down I guess.

Gamma World 4: Blowin’ Stuff Up

Fridge and Gramps players missed the game.

Hi everybody. Wouldzee the owl here and I want to talk to you about explosions. Explosions are really, really cool, well I guess they really are kind of hot, but I mean they are a lot of fun to watch and especially fun if you are the one that caused them and I totally caused two major explosions all in the same day and you really need to hear about how I did it!

So, we were riding in the back of that truck and I noticed that Gramps was gone and Sally said he’d said something about taking a nap back in the barracks and we totally left without him while he was sleeping and I was kind of sad, because even though he is grumpy, he is our friend and all. I hope a raccoon doesn’t crawl through the tunnel where all those zombies were and bite him because Gramps will totally mash the poor little guy and don’t you think raccoons are kind of cute, with their little bandit masks and stripy tails and stuff? Oh, and John had found a walkie-talkie in the saddlebags of the warthog leader’s bike and he got it working and we talked to this guy named Cue Ball, who really wanted the motorcycles those pig guys were riding back, but we weren’t really inclined to help them out because they are dicks.

Anyhoo, the truck eventually turned onto some railroad tracks and we were like totally minding our own business when suddenly it starts rocking around like it is being hit so we look out the back and see these three guys, riding on sword beetles, are totally trying to pop the tires. Sally convinced them to stop and we got to talking and I totally figured that one of my friends was going to pull out a pistol and shoot one, but we just talked instead and it was kind of nice. These guys are some kind of “save the earth” hippie group and wanted to blow up the truck because it was polluting with its exhaust fumes and I totally said something like, “Won’t blowing this up and having the tires burn and stuff be worse than just letting it drive around for like ten years?” And they we’re all trying to come up with some justification for their actions, but I think they really just wanted to see it blow up and were just too “save mother earth” to say so. We told them that they couldn’t blow up the truck until we found out where it was going to, and I figured “this is where things will go to hell” and even released the safety on my Mauser, but they totally knew where it was going – a place called Prairie Dog Town which is a stupid name since it is built on an island and there aren’t any prairie dogs living there which is probably good because they’d probably drown digging their little tunnels below the water table – so we told them we’d help them blow the truck up.

John scienced up some kind of a booby trap with this old motion detector thingy he found and a bunch of explosive fruit that the hippies had with them and then we all jumped on the back of a sword beetle and rode away to watch the fireworks. While we were riding, this flying drone things comes at us and the beetles burrow into the ground straight away and John and Beyoh went with them, but me and Sally got dumped on the surface and this thing totally opens up with a Gatling gun and shoots Sally and me, but we shoot it back and damage the heck out of it and then, as it is flying away, I shoot it one more time and it totally crashes into the truck and sets off the explosive fruit and the whole thing goes ka-boom!!!  I was totally pumped up and didn’t even mind that, that was the last bullet in my rifle because it was totally worth it and the hippies were really impressed and probably thought I did it on purpose, though I am pretty sure it was pure luck and I’d have only a 1-in-20 chance of ever doing something like that again. Oh, and John tried to take credit for it because of his booby trap, but I don’t think anybody bought it.

Anyhoo, the hippies rode off and told us that if we were ever near their town, Yew, we could totally crash with them because they think we are cool. I was really happy that we didn’t kill them because they were fun dudes, even though the guy with three legs really couldn’t pull off his dreadlocks and probably should have just washed his hair because he kind of looked like an idiot. After they left, we decided to go and scout out Prairie Dog Town since the hippies were pretty sure that the guys working there were bad news. It is totally run by robots, with lizardman enforcers and they are like enslaving people and stuff and they will probably come to Liberty and enslave those guys too, they said.

So we waited until dark and then walked along the railroad tracks a ways to where we could see Prairie Dog Town and it’s all on an island in the middle of a river and it looks like there was an ancient city down there once upon a time, but they are not using all of it and it has a wall around it and is full of robots and lizardmen and stuff so we can’t just charge in there shooting without getting killed.

Anyhoo, we’d just about decided to pull up stakes and head back to Liberty when we hear a train rumbling down the tracks and it’s pulling some boxcars and a couple of tanker cars and it stops at the top of the bluff overlooking Prairie Dog Town, on account of the rails leading down to the town are at a pretty steep grade. So these lizardmen hop out and open up the boxcars and start hauling these people out and the people are all in chains and stuff and don’t look happy and we figure they are going to be used as slave labor in Prairie Dog Town and we see some trucks driving up from the town, so that kind of confirms it. I’m thinking to myself, “Wouldzee, we should probably do something about this because these guys shouldn’t be making people into slaves.” So it’s not too hard to convince the rest of the group to fight the lizardmen, but we got all smart and Sally started doing this suggestive dance and all the lizardmen were like totally staring at her and John was staring too, but the rest of us snuck up and got ready to attack.

I saw their leader and I totally crept up on him and stole his keys and started unlocking people, but then it sort of seemed like Sally and Beyoh and John were getting their asses handed to them while I was screwing around, so I gave the keys to the prisoners and got hopped up on goofball and jumped on the leader guy and was clawing at his eyes and stuff and he tried to scare me with images of getting mobbed by crows, but it only worked for a little while because it was totally night and crows don’t fly at night and I’m kind of a shredding machine when I am hopped up on that stuff and I made short work of him while the rest of the gang started beating down the other lizard guys and the prisoners were busy setting themselves free and stuff. It was pretty awesome and we should have had time for a few high-fives, but John “glass half empty” Smith says those trucks are getting close and they’ve got those tough security robot guys driving them.

So I’m thinking to myself, “Wouldzee, we’re in deep doo-doo if those guys have guns, so you’ve got to think of something and now.” So I looked at the train again, and I saw those tanker cars and then I thought about my matches and then I looked over at John and I knew he’d tell me “no”, so I decided not to say anything and flew up to the top of the tanker and I opened it up and it was gasoline and I was totally like “Yes! It’s not milk or something that won’t blow up.” And then hollered at John to get the prisoners moving and he looked a little freaked out, but he and Sally and Beyoh totally got the prisoners moving and when I figured they’d gotten far enough away I lit a match.

Kablooey! It totally exploded big time and I’m pretty sure it ruined their train and it killed a bunch of those robot guys dead and it probably would have killed me too, but I got even more hopped up on goofball and flew really fast so like only my tentacles got scorched a little, but I’ve had worse sun burns on them, and it was totally awesome and there was no way John could claim credit for it and it’ll probably be the coolest thing I’ll ever do in my entire life and I wish we’d found a camera so someone could have taken a picture because I’d totally like a picture of me doing that.

Anyhoo, I couldn’t sleep after taking two hits of that jet stuff and that was ok because I’m nocturnal and we walked all night to put some distance between us and Prairie Dog Town and I got to talk to a lot of the people who’d been captured while we walked. They were all from some village whose name I can’t remember – taking all that goofball didn’t help. They were like all for going in guns blazing to rescue their friends and stuff, but Sally convinced them that they would probably all get killed and that we should go back to Liberty and figure out what to do next so we are totally going to do that.

Gamma World 3: Zombies & Bacon

Two players joined the game:
– Rick the Stick aka “Gramps” is a mutated walking stick
– Click-Chuck (or something like that) aka “Sally” is a mutated ladybug – “No, I’m really a guy!”

Fridge’s player could not make it.

Dear Fridge,

Wouldzee the owl here.  When we woke up in the morning to that big bomb going off and blowing up the Knight’s truck and stuff and you didn’t move, I thought maybe you were just a heavy sleeper, but I poked you with a stick and you didn’t move and then John poked you with his BBQ fork and you still didn’t move and he couldn’t science you back alive either so we figured you had died again. It took us awhile, but we found a nice refrigerator to put you in and I totally hope you are comfortable all crammed in there like that and John said he didn’t like the sound your head made when Beyoh jumped on the door to force it shut, but we really did the best we could under the circumstances. Oh, I took your motorcycle too.

So we followed that big truck for a while and eventually it ran out of gas and while we were standing there we spotted these two bugs on the top of a hill and one of them looked really old and skinny and the other one was this pretty ladybug pushing a wheelbarrow with a big recliner in it and they looked all scared and then we saw these two robots carrying some gas cans walking along behind them and the bugs asked us to save them from the robots. I really didn’t want to get into a fight, so I tried talking Canadian to them, but I’m not as good at it as you, eh? So the robots filled up the truck with gas and then drove off in it and Gramps (that was the skinny bug) and Sally (the pretty ladybug) climbed on the back of the truck and it drove off and we followed on our motorcycles.

Anyhoo, we drove a ways and up a hill to a little place with a tipped over tower and some ransacked buildings and it was all surrounded by a chainlink fence. The robots got out and started filling the truck up with gas from a pump there and then one of them wandered around back and was trying to get Gramps out of the truck (Sally had jumped out earlier), but Gramps wasn’t having any of it and said something about “getting off his damn lawn”. The robot looked like he was going to shoot Gramps and I yelled “Can’t we all just get along?” or something like that and the robot stopped and then Gramps just pasted him with his crutch. Then all hell broke loose and we flailed around shooting and clawing and Beyoh was swinging around his yield sign, but I don’t think he actually hit anyone and Gramps kept collapsing and then getting back up and finally the robots stopped moving and I really wished I could speak Canadian better so maybe we’d stop bashing every robot we see, but I bet even if I was fluent it really wouldn’t help because the rest of the party always seems to be spoiling for a fight.

So we found a security card on one of the robots and Sally (who keeps telling us she’s a guy) tried to use it to open up one of the doors to a building that didn’t look so ransacked, but couldn’t figure it out so John finally got it open and found a hatch that led underground. The hatch was stuck, but Sally had some lubricant and we totally teased her about it, and after we used it we got it open and climbed down and it was like a barracks. We found some food and a laser gun and some medicine and Gramps wanted to take a nap, but Beyoh spied a secret door and so we opened it and it was totally full of dead guys. I really wish you had been there Fridge, because maybe you could have talked to them or something, but they were all like “arrr… brains…” and looking at John really hungry-like, but they didn’t pay much attention to me. Anyhoo, I thought to myself, “What would Fridge do?” So I totally blasted them with my Mauser and gramps was swinging his crutch around and every time we took one out it exploded in green goo and Gramps got totally slimed and was kind of glowing like some of the old bomb craters do by the time we killed them all dead again. Oh, and the tunnel led outside, but we didn’t screw around down there much longer. We figured there might be racoons or something and nobody wanted to risk getting bit.

Anyhoo, I totally forgot to say that before we climbed down I had heard a bunch of motorcycles driving around, but they didn’t sound close, but when we climbed back up to the surface, the little compound was crawling with those warthog guys and two of them noticed us because John thinks he is sneaky, but he really isn’t, and we busted their piggy heads real quick and nobody else noticed it. So we got all smart and stuff and Sally disguised her voice like a warthog and we tricked three more into getting their heads busted. Finally, the rest of them noticed us and we had this huge fight and John was giving people dirty looks and Beyoh was hitting them with his sign and gramps was swearing and bashing guys with his crutch and Sally and I were generally being ineffective until she went totally ape-shit on this guy and screamed at him and called him lots of names that I don’t think I should write down and he ran away crying. Oh, and their leader got all hopped up on goofball and was a real pain in the ass to take out, but we did it and I discovered that I didn’t feel too bad about it, because those guys are dicks and were hitting a ladybug and my mom always told me you shouldn’t hit a lady when I was a fledgling, so they totally had it coming to them.

I better get going, because that big truck started up again and it is making that annoying beeping sound backing up and we’re all going to ride in it to wherever it is going so we can tell the people in Liberty what is going on if we can ever figure it out. I wanted to write in case you came back alive again and wonder why we’re gone and why you are back in a refrigerator and you don’t think you just dreamt everything, like meeting us and stuff, although on second thought it might have been kinder to just let you think that…

Your friend,

Wouldzee the owl

Gamma World 2: On the Road Again

We are joined by “Fridge” a revenant

Memorable passages of the night:

Wouldzee’s player: “I rolled 17 for stealth.”
GM: “They rolled 17 for perception.”
John’s player: “So you’re a spotted owl.”

GM: “Roll to see if you can figure out how to drive the motorcycle.”
Fridge’s player: “Twenty! Wait a minute, this is my old motorcycle!”

Hi! I’m Wouldzee the owl and I have an important message about the value of patience. Normally I’m a pretty patient guy, except for that time that I was trying to sneak away with one of those warthog biker’s motorcycles and two of them totally saw me and they told me it wasn’t mine and I said that possession was nine-tenths of the law and then they were going to beat me with chains and so I pulled out my Mauser and told them if they took one freaking step closer I was going to blow their freaking heads right off and they totally hopped back on their bikes and drove off and I told them “yeah, you better run” and… Oh, I guess I should start at the beginning…

So Cashton told us we could sleep in the manger, because there was no room at the inn (or maybe they didn’t have an inn), and I was asking John when he thought the three wise guys would show up and suddenly this dead guy just sits up and I totally freak out, but Cashton says it is ok because, well he really didn’t have a good reason, but he introduces us to him and his name is Fridge. So Fridge tells us that he was living when the bomb dropped, but he’s kind of not living now and he had hidden in a refrigerator when the bomb dropped because he’d seen that really bad Indiana Jones movie, that they really shouldn’t have made because it was so terrible and had aliens and stuff and the guy who played his son was kind of a douchebag and anyhoo, he thought it was a good idea, but he died, only he woke up a few years ago and started wandering around and eventually found his way to Liberty. Then we went to bed.

The next morning, we were talking with one of the groundhogs and he told us that there was a string of metal poles and he thought they might lead out of the valley, along an old road or something, and maybe we should follow them. Oh, and the nice Dandelion lady told us that she’d felt some tremors in the ground a while back, but she was totally stoned and didn’t think anything of it, but probably should have mentioned it before, but we forgave her because she is pretty cool and gave us some healing potions and other stuff that she cooked up. Anyhoo, the townsfolk asked us if we’d go and have a look-see and said they could give us some guns they took from people whose brains they’d scrambled in the past and I was totally willing to do it for free, but John started to give me a dirty look and I remembered how those warthogs got all blistered and gnarly-looking when John gave them a dirty look so I shut my beak and took a nice deer rifle from their collection.

Anyhoo, we was passing around ammunition and potions and grenades and stuff, when we heard this rumbling sound and all of a sudden this great, huge truck comes down the hill and it’s like crashing over trees and stuff and we really don’t know what to do and I suggest that Beyoh go out and stand in front of it because he told me he can’t get knocked over, only he doesn’t seem so keen on the idea so we just kind of wait. This big truck drives up to the pipeline and these four guys get out and then they drive a little digger truck out of the back and start digging near where the pipe burst. So we try to talk to them, only they don’t speak our language and Fridge thinks they are speaking Canadian and he kind of BSes his way up close to them, because they seem ready to totally shoot the rest of us, even John, who is by all accounts perfectly ordinary, and then Fridge halls off and smacks one of them with his sledgehammer.

I am totally like, “What are you doing?” but Fridge is kind of our friend now, so we have to support him, even when he is acting rash, and so I start blasting away with my rifle and John and Beyoh start blazing away too and these guys, who are totally robots, are shooting at us and trying to hit people with shovels and that digger thing and they keep putting those zip tie things on Fridge, only he’s kind of rubbery and keeps slipping out of them and I think he was making a pass at one of them too and it makes me feel a little awkward. None of us are really being effective and I am wondering if I really have a deer rifle or a BB gun considering how much damage I am doing and then the old farmer, who asked us to come down when the pipe first exploded, walks over and starts doing his juju, probably because we are making such a hash of it, and he like kills himself doing his mental blast stuff and it was like totally uncalled for because if we’d all exercised a little patience I think we could have avoided this conflict in the first place.

Anyhoo, after the dust settled and the gun smoke blew away, the little digger drove back into the cargo bay and then that truck started up and drove away. The townsfolk thought we should follow it and since we had nothing better to do and we don’t have great judgment and I think they only asked us to do it so we wouldn’t ruin the old farmer’s funeral, we ran after it and jumped on board, only Beyoh can’t run fast so he got left behind and then we needed to figure out how to slow the truck down so he could get on board and we eventually did, only John got several electrical shocks in the process and his hair was standing on end like the quills in his butt usually do when he is fighting.

So we travelled in the truck all day and eventually it got to be night and we could see this little village all lit up a ways away and we figured that was where the truck was going. Anyhoo, the village was under attack by those warthog guys and they was driving around on their choppers shouting and blasting at people with guns and Fridge said it was like a Mad Max movie, whatever that was, and the truck didn’t slow down, so we all hopped out before we drove right into the middle of a gun fight to see what the deal was.

Anyhoo, we were hunkered down watching and I’m just starting to think about taking a potshot at one of the bikers when suddenly I notice the flag flying over this little village and it is – I kid you not – the Knights of Genetic Purity! Now if you haven’t heard tell of these guys they are totally bad news. I mean they typically don’t mess around with average, ordinary guys like John Smith, but if you can shoot death rays out of your eyes or have poisonous quills on your butt or something they will totally screw with you. So I’m thinking to myself, “Wouldzee, these guys are totally bad news and those warthogs are SOBs and Fridge smells terrible, so maybe you should just let them wipe each other out and then go in there and collect any cool stuff they may have and later you can ask John to ask Fridge about hanging the pine-scented air-freshener you took out of the truck around his neck so he doesn’t smell as bad. So we watched for a while and it looked like the knights were getting the better of the bikers, because the warthogs were running low on ammo. The knights were also screwing around trying to stop that big truck that was trying to drive through their little town.

So we figured that the big truck was eventually going to push its way through the town and we’d better be on the other side when it got there, so we decided we should swipe a couple of the warthog’s motorcycles, especially since the guys who were driving them had gotten all killed and stuff and probably would be needing them, unless they came back from the dead like Fridge, but I didn’t think that likely since I didn’t see any refrigerators lying around. So we snuck on down and I was totally sneaky, but John was all like, “Hey look at me and my prickly butt!” and two bikers came over beat him with chains and killed him. Then I grabbed a bike, but I couldn’t get it started and so I pushed it away and the same two guys came to beat me down, but I freaked out on them and they drove off like I said earlier and then John, who was just faking being dead, got himself a chopper and started it up and drove off while Beyoh went all ectoplasmic and freaky to draw the knights’ fire. Then we found Fridge and it turned out that the motorcycle I grabbed used to belong to him, like 500 years ago or something, so he totally knew how to drive it and I was wishing that the warthogs who told me it was theirs would turn up so I could tell them, “In your face!” but by that time they were fleeing.

Anyhoo, we pushed the choppers through the woods and around to the other side of the village and Fridge tried to teach us how to play euchre while we waited, but I got totally confused and Beyoh was all like, “What did they make these cards out of?” every five minutes and so we watched the knights screwing around trying to capture the big truck for a while and then went to sleep. The next morning we work up when this aircraft goes roaring over us and we look down at the village and the knights are still screwing around with this truck and I am thinking, “Don’t you have anything better to do? It’s not like it is that cool of a truck and it will probably be smelly since there was a dead guy riding in it and I swiped the pine-scented air-freshener from it.” And then BOOM, this aircraft like totally bombs the truck the knights were using to stop that big truck hauling the digger and it drives right on out of the little village and starts heading our way.

Now I’ve got to decide if I am riding behind the guy with poisonous quills on his butt or the dude who smells like rotting flesh…

Gamma World 1: Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute

For the 2 people who follow Filbanto Stew, I’ve been catching up the blog on our recent games. We’ve actually played three sessions of Numenera, but I usually run the game synopsis past our GM each week since I forget all the NPC names.

Numenera is on hold for a while since our GM is out of town, so we decided to give Gamma World a go. The DM is running the D&D5 fan-made rules. Only three players made the game. We rolled randomly for everything and wound up with the following party:

Beyoh the mutated tree
Zarkon the alien, I mean John Smith the ordinary, average guy
Wouldzee the mutated owl

Hi, I’m Wouldzee the Owl and I have an important message for you. As you know, most of Gamma World is an irradiated wasteland, so nothing gets my tentacles in a knot more than seeing one of the few green patches left get flooded with crude oil… Huh? What am I ranting about? Oh that’s right, I haven’t filled you in on events leading up to the latest ecological nightmare I’m up against.

So I was out flying one day. I’m not really sure where I was headed. I think I have some kind of  memory loss… Anyhoo, I was out flying and I see this nice looking tree, all covered with these pretty, colored lights and an old, rusty Yield sign caught in its branches and there’s this guy taking a nap below it and I think to myself, “Wouldzee, you should take a rest before some murder of mutant crows decide to mob you.” So I set myself down in the tree, only to have it yell at me not to poop on it. Now, we all know that owls cough up pellets instead of pooping, so once the tree, whose name is Beyoh, learned that, we became great friends. I asked Beyoh,  “If you fell over in the woods and nobody else was around would you make any noise?” He told me that he didn’t fall over – it was one of his special abilities – so I guess I’ll never figure that one out… Now the guy who was sleeping below the tree woke up and told us his name was John Smith and that he was ordinary and that his eyes were ordinary and that the quills growing out of his butt were totally ordinary too and we all decided to travel together, along this old highway, because we had nothing better to do and it led somewhere and Beyoh and John probably suffer from some sort of memory loss too.

Anyhoo, we was travelling along when we heard some motorcycles roaring along ahead of us. You don’t hear that kind of thing much, so I flew up in the air to take a look-see at where they was going. They turned off the highway onto some other road heading into a hillier area and we all decided to follow them because we really had nothing better to do and I guess none of us have really good judgment and we really don’t know when to avoid sticking our beaks into other people’s business. We travelled along for quite a while, and we were careful to walk on the shoulder facing traffic because I was pretty sure this was a major road we found ourselves on and we didn’t want to get run over and Beyoh made sure to hold up his Yield sign so people driving cars would see it and hopefully yield before running us over. We were totally lucky an didn’t see any cars.

Anyhoo, we came to what looked like an ancient village, though I’m being generous when I say that because it was really just a house and an old gas station. We didn’t see any signs of the motorcycles or anything, so I flew in to take a look around. So I see this little girl with pretty butterfly wings and there’s this dead guy and she’s all crying and stuff and I felt really bad for her so I rushed back to get John, because he seems pretty sharp for an average guy with a prickly butt and I figured he might be able to science up the dead guy or something. So we all sneak back to the village, which really wasn’t a village, and John totally gives us away and the little girl sees us and asks us to help heal her father. It’s about this time that I notice her dad has probably been dead for a week because he is crawling with those big blue flies that are so annoying and even though they seem to fly really slow it is hard to swat them and when I tell John, the little girl starts laughing and then morphs into this warthog guy who totally shoots me.

So I’m lying on the ground and I think I am bleeding out and I hear the voice of the guy who remodeled my nest saying, “Come into the light Wouldzee…” and then suddenly I am awake. It’s like I had a second wind or something. Anyhoo, I’m lying there watching Beyoh pounding on that warthog guy who shot me with his Yield sign and I’m wondering if maybe the guy had peed on him when he was a sapling or something because he is totally beating him to a bloody pulp. John is giving another warthog the stink-eye and it’s cringing and screaming and not really acting like I figured someone would act if an ordinary guy gave them a dirty look and then I totally lose it and pull my Broomhandle Mauser and holler at the warthogs to freeze and they totally freeze until Beyoh starts swinging his sign around again. I caught a couple of them using my hula-hoop and tentacles, but I feel kind of bad about it because Beyoh totally turned them into spam when they wouldn’t answer our questions, and it totally reinforced my feeling that he’d been peed on when he was a sapling. Oh, and one of them got away so we knew they’d come back for revenge or something.

Anyhoo, we searched around the place and set off a bomb, but we found some neat stuff to make up for all the shrapnel I had to pick out of my feathers. The warthogs’ motorcycles were in a garage, but they were out of gas. They were cooking up some kind of drugs and John figured out how to finish them off so now we can all get hopped up on goofball or maybe die depending on how we react to the stuff. There were also some boats and stuff, oh and this guy who’d died on the gas station toilet like a hundred years ago or something. We also found this map. It’s one of those ancient maps with all the pretty colors that are impossible to refold correctly. We figured out we were in Oil City, which is a really dumb name since it’s not even as big as a village as I said before. There was also a town named Liberty to the south of Oil City and someone had written (I’m pretty sure in Pig Latin) that there was lots of food and few weapons and some other stuff I probably forgot. We decide that we should go and warn the people in Liberty that a gang of warthog bikers was going to attack and plunder their settlement, so we set off because like I said before, we really don’t know when to avoid sticking our beaks into other people’s business.

Anyhoo, it took about a day to travel to Liberty. We met these two guys as we came into town named Portland and Bangor and John thought they might be a couple of the main citizens. We told them about their impending doom, but they really didn’t seem to get it and they told us we could go into town and trade with this guy named Cashton and we figured that he might give a rat’s ass that his village was going to be overrun by warthog bikers, and it would be bad for business, and I’ve also been working on this decorative macramé owl that I thought I could sell, so we went to see him.

Anyhoo, we went to the mercantile and we met this Dandelion gal, who I think has the hots for Beyoh, and Cashton who really didn’t seem to care that a horde of vicious pig-man bikers were gathering to destroy his village, but he had one of the town elders come over to talk to us. So this old guy comes in and he tells us not to worry because half of the village has mind powers and can totally put the whammy on any warthog bikers. So we eventually let it drop because they seemed pretty sure of themselves and my new friends seem pretty sneaky, except John wasn’t really that sneaky before, but we can probably escape in the confusion during the upcoming battle.

Anyhoo, while we were talking, this farmer comes into the store and says that some black stuff is erupting from the ground across the river from his farm and so we all decide to head down there and take a look and I’m thinking, “this is probably some eldritch horror that burrowed its way to the surface after a thousand years of imprisonment”, but John does some science and figures it is oil and it is shooting out all over and getting into the river and I am secretly thinking, “How are you going to mind control your way out of this you complacent SOBs?” Then I totally remember that I had found a box of matches, but John tells me that is NOT a good idea and Beyoh is kind of freaking out too so I put them away, only I found myself taking them out again, just to make sure, but John yells at me again, so I say that I will fly to the other side of the river to check out what is going on, only John makes me leave my matches with him.

When I fly over there I am totally careful, because I didn’t see any dishwashing detergent in Cashton’s store and it is impossible to get oil out of your feathers, though it comes off your tentacles pretty easy… Anyhoo, I can’t see a lot even though I have really good eyes and can even see in the dark, but this oil is just jetting everywhere and like into the river and flowing into the farmer’s field and washing up in the town and I think about my matches again, but since John won’t let me use them, we just sit there and wait.

After a while these two nice woodchucks or groundhogs bring us some dinner. (Please don’t think poorly of me, but I cannot tell them apart. I have trouble distinguishing between cougar, puma and mountain lions too.)  I asked them how much wood they could chuck, but they just gave me dirty looks, and Beyoh seemed a little uncomfortable about the whole topic so I let it drop and went back to work on my macramé. Eventually the jet of oil stops and the townsfolk put some kids to work digging around the hole it shot out of and they uncover a big pipe full of Texas Tea buried in the ground and it looks like it just kind of rusted through and burst so like it is totally bad luck for all these villagers, who are kind of annoying, but really didn’t deserve all this and are probably all going to starve to death or something if we can’t find a way to clean this mess up. On the bright side, I finished my macramé owl and decided to work on a toilet paper cozy next.