Hi everybody. Wouldzee the owl here and I want to talk about wrapping things up. I don’t mean the kind of wrapping up like when you get shot in the tentacle and its gushing blood and John says, “You really ought to wrap that up or you’ll probably bleed to death.” I mean like wrapping up all of our great adventures into what is bound to be a weak and disappointing final entry in my journal.
Anyhoo, those robots are total douche-nozzles. So we go to all this trouble to make sure they can fire their giant laser gun at the comet that is going to destroy the earth and we fight a whole bunch of people and monsters and zombies and pig-man bikers and bat-shit crazy knights of genetic purity and we soak up enough radiation to make me think I’ve spent at least two hours in a tanning bed and I am sure I’ll never regrow all of my feathers and if I have any kids I’ll be lucky if they have only two heads, although having two heads might be kind of neat – that is if the other head was cool, if it wasn’t it would really suck – oh yeah, those robot douchebags… So we go through all this stuff and then they fire only a couple of the lasers and we’re all like, “What’s going on? Only a couple lasers are firing. Do we need to go kick someone’s butt?” And they’re all like, “No, it’s cool.” And we’re like, “Technically it’ll be cool because we’ll likely experience a major ice age after the impact with all the dust is in the atmosphere, but we really think blasting that comet is important.” And they’re like, “Don’t worry about it.” And finally John sciences it out and figures out that they are directing the comet to crash into another part of the world! So we’re totally freaking out now and decide we totally have to stop these guys.
So General Wilson, who you’ll remember is the robot guy who makes all these pronouncements for the AI and gave us the mission to make sure the lasers would fire, is in Prairie Dog Town and that’s miles and miles away and we’ve crashed the flying car we used to have and we’re not sure what to do to get to there, when I say to myself, “Wouldzee, those railroad tracks lead right to Prairie Dog Town and there’s this big train pulling cars of diesel fuel idling right in front of you and John can surely figure out how to drive it and I still have some matches in case we should just blow it up instead…” So we totally hop on the train and John is trying to figure out how to run it and Sally is giggling and tells him to push some buttons and then giggles some more and then she releases the brake and tells me to keep my beak shut and I totally do, because it is really fun to pull one over on John. So Sally secretly drives the train, but she makes John think he is really driving it and as we pull away, a bunch of robots climb on the fuel cars and start shooting at us.
Well, we’re not having any of that and we start blasting away at the robots, but they are crawling along the sides of the cars and getting closer and stuff and we’re still pretty beat up from our last fight, so Sally starts hacking at the coupling hitch and eventually we get the tanker cars released and John waits like 30 seconds and blasts them with his plasma rifle and they totally went KA-BOOM and flaming robot parts were flying everywhere and some of my feathers got singed and Beyoh was burning and yelling at John to use his fire extinguisher, but it was totally awesome!
Anyhoo, we went chugging down the track and we came to that village of coyotes and Sally took a couple of potshots at them and I am not exactly sure what is going on with her and those guys, but we all figured we’d better stay out of her way since she was still coming down from her last psycho bender and you do not want to mess with her when she gets in one of her moods. John thought we’d better get in touch with that Colonel Forbin guy to meet us at Prairie Dog Town with reinforcements, and healing potions and Sally wanted some more psycho since she only had a dozen hits left. Colonel Forbin said he could never get his army to Prairie Dog Town in time, but he sent some guys to meet us with some healing potions and more psycho for Sally and some Rad-Away since we’d been chugging through a radioactive desert and we were all throwing up a lot.
Oh, and I forgot to mention Bearclap, you remember that biker guy that gave us a hard time early on, called and was all worried that the robots were enslaving all his customers and he wasn’t selling enough drugs or something and I was thinking that he probably couldn’t keep up with Sally’s demand even if he started a third shift at his crack house. And I guess that he found Buddy, that robot guy who used to tell all those jokes I didn’t understand, and now Buddy is working for him and that’s probably not going to turn out well because a couple of people died the last time they took the psycho that Buddy made… But, Bearclap said he was driving over to Prairie Dog Town to see what he could do to break his customers out and we’re like, “Great idea and I really hope you don’t get shot by one of us during the battle because it’d totally be an accident!”
So we got to Prairie Dog Town and we look it over and we see there is a fight going on in the streets and it looks like the lizard guys have switched sides and the prisoners are revolting and I think some of our friends from Liberty are down there and Sally is starting to shoot up and then she rams the throttle to full speed and we jump out of the train before it crashes into the gates of the town and it explodes and was so frickin’ awesome, but it killed some of the good guys and that made me a little sad. Anyhoo, we went charging into Prairie Dog Town and we’re all blasting anything that looks at us cross-eyed and we finally hack our way to this little fort in the middle of the town and John scienced out the fact that General Wilson had to be inside and he started shooting down the guard towers with his plasma gun, while Beyoh and I tried to sneak in and Sally was just hacking her way through the gate and buildings and stuff. I ended up screwing around looking through a building for a long time so I am not exactly sure what the other guys were up to, but I could hear Sally screaming a lot, so that was reassuring. Finally, I came out and we had this big fight with General Wilson and he was shooting lasers out of his head and that really sucked, but we eventually beat him down and he surrendered and told us the story.
So these robot guys are not the only robot guys in the world. There is this other AI computer guy on the other side of the planet, John said it was even farther away than Canada, and apparently the AI General Wilson works for wanted to kill the other one for some reason and was going to drop the comet on top of him to do it. What a dick! So we convinced General Wilson’s boss that this was a bad idea by telling him we’d totally come and unplug his ass if he kept it up. Then he whines that he doesn’t have enough lasers to destroy the comet and he is pissing and moaning about having to work with the other AI to save the earth and stuff, but he finally gives in and ZAP they totally blow it up.
Anyhoo, thanks to us the earth is totally safe. Or at least it is safe until some other maniac decides to start a new reign of terror. I’m sure it’ll be a month or two before anything like that happens though…
This is Wouldzee the Owl signing off!